One Day at Magneto's
by Rabbitsgirl
Summary: The XMen vs. the Brotherhood: The final chapter...why did they invade the island? Lots of making up and making out between friends and enemies. Plus Professor X finally makes an appearance!
1. Pre war preparation

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making s off of this.

Summary: Although highly unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

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A glorious sunny morning shines on the island fortress of Magneto's secret lair. In the only bedroom in the east wing (the Master bedroom used by the Master of Magnetism) the Master of the House rises to the bright rays streaming in through the windows. Magneto sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Trying not to disturb the slumbering form of the woman in bed next to him, Magneto quietly crept out of bed and started his morning exercises.

He went to the window overlooking the eastern part of the island which consisted of about three acres of forest although one acre had been cleared and currently hundreds and thousands of pounds of metal Magneto had been stockpiling lay in giant blocks. From yesterdays exercises Magneto had made fifteen giant blocks of metal, all ten feet cubed, and in three piles of five. Today he felt playful. He raised his hands like a conductor, paused and then waved his hands as if to music, playing the metal the way he wanted to. The blocks shifted under his mental ministrations, some separating into ten one-foot-cubed blocks, others into five two-foot-cubed blocks. He stacked them like legos, enjoying the way his art was turning out before his very eyes. After ten minutes he had built a small metal castle. He laughed, bemused by his own silliness. As a last exercise he lifted the castle fifty feet into the air repeatedly like doing reps at a gym. After thirty successions he gently laid the castle down. He would have dismantled the castle back into the blocks but he was feeling humorous and he decided to keep it the way it was. He was proud of the little vestment that was emblematic to his creative and mutant genius. The little castle shone brightly under the sun's morning glare. _Damn, I'm good_.

He turned and went back towards the bed. Mystique lay splayed out face up, the sheets covering only a partial of her body. She was still asleep and looked exhausted, no doubt from last nights events. He laughed to himself. _Damn, I'm good_.

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Meanwhile, in a foreign land called upstate New York, the inhabitants of a school for gifted children were busy suiting up for the days attack. One boy ran to catch up to the others who were already piling into the X-Jet. The feathers of his beautiful white, seldom used wings fluttering with the breeze.

"Wait! I want to go!" He cried. A guy dressed in his leather getup looked back and saw the boy running towards them. The guy would have been hot had it not been for those stupid chops and the odd hair, but looking good wasn't exactly his priority unlike the stogies and keeping up the surly behavior was.

"Sorry, bub, you're not an X-Man. Plus what makes you think you'll be much help looking like that?" Warren looked down at himself. He wore jeans. No shoes, no shirt, just jeans.

"I-I don't know." Logan turned to leave causing Warren to overreact. "C'mon! Can't I do anything to show that I have personality? I want to come!" The teenage angel was starting to pout and cry. Logan held his hands to his ears.

"No! Go back to class bird brain!" But Warren wasn't having it. He shouted like an adolescent boy, even throwing his fists in the air and stomping his foot on the ground. It wasn't until Warren mentioned he'd tell his rich daddy he wasn't being included that Logan gave in.

"All right! All right! Jeez! Get in the effin' jet!" Logan said waving his hand like Vanna White towards the plane. Warren smugly scampered into the jet. "Damn, who said you didn't have personality? I think you've got loads of personality…of an eight-year-old."

Inside the jet the other X-Men were already seated and eagerly awaiting the battle. Iceman sat next to his girl friday Rogue. They were busy flirting and holding their gloved hands in childish lust. Kitty and Colossus looked on with disgust. Scott and Beast sat across from the children. Beast spoke nonstop to Scott who said nothing because 1) the man never has anything interesting to say 2) for someone as involved in the plots as he should be he sure is forgettable and 3) he was most likely asleep behind the visor but how could you tell? In the Captains seat sat Storm whose new hairdo was garnering rave reviews by the co-pilot Jean Gray. Both were busy checking the machines instruments and chatting about recent purchases from the mall. Behind the captain was Kurt who stuck to himself and in the seat across the aisle from him was the intelligent Professor Xavier. Professor X was already seated and strapped in tight, looking like a kid in a car seat. He had decided to accompany the X-Men to Magneto's just to make sure the battle went morally and ethically sound.

With everyone seated and strapped in Storm fired up the engines and the jet careened through the sky towards Maine, the location of Magneto's not-too-secret-lair.

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The Brotherhood was enjoying another day in the life. There were a large number of members in the Brotherhood but it was summer and many that lived in the lair had left to enjoy sunny beaches in Mexico or the Caribbean. Among the mutants that had stayed was obviously the Master of Magnetism himself, his right hand woman and right now companion Mystique, the boy with balls of fire Pyro, speedy Callisto, numb nuts Juggernaut, clap-on-clap-off Archlight, needle brained Spyke, not-as-cool-as-Wolverine Sabertooth, one seriously fried Toad, and too-many-jokes-can-be-made-about Multiple Man.

At the moment everyone but Magneto and Mystique were playing a game of poker. The eight of them were piled at a table down in the commons room. I say "playing" but they were actually arguing about which poker game to play.

"We should play Texas Hold Em. Everyone knows how to play that." Callisto said.

"That game is overrated like the Wolverine. Let's play Razz." Stated Spyke.

"Are you kidding me? Razz blows! Now Seven Card stud…that's a game." Multiple Man proclaimed.

"Dude, we don't have enough cards in the deck to play Seven Card Stud with eight players." Pyro interjected.

"Dude, I can make another deck, Fireball." Multiple Man sneered.

"Let's just play Five Card Draw." Toad said, his British accent catching everyone's ears. They all turned to look at him incredulously.

"What century do you live in, Toad? That game is so 1900's. C'mon, Omaha is the poker players' poker game."

"I don't like Omaha," Juggernaut said not being able to keep his loud bass below a reasonable decibel level. "It's too hard."

"You would say that." Pyro mumbled under his breath.

"What did you say?" Juggernaut asked giving him a glare.

"I said 'then we won't play that'." Pyro stated matter-of-factly. Juggernauts face contoured into an expression of confusion, unable to figure out if he was lying or not.

"C'mon peoples!" Spyke shouted. "These cards aren't going to play themselves!" The room erupted in a myriad of voices, each shouting to be heard. The uproar soon turned from "what should we play?" to "I know where you can put it". The commotion would have continued had Magneto's booming voice over the intercom not interrupted their squabble.

"Callisto, would you please come to my office." Magneto said commandingly. It was not a question. All eyes turned to Callisto.

"Ooooooooooooooooohhh!" The others looked at her, wide-eyed in nervous giggles.

"Dammit, you guys. I'm not in trouble."

"Maybe he and Mystique are looking for a third for a ménage trios." Multiple Man snickered in delight. The other boys joined him in their own juvenile chuckles.

"Gawd, you guys can be so immature."

"Hey, while you're up there, tell him to raise the bridge to the dungeon." Archlight said.

"Why?"

"We want to go swimming. I made a bet that Multiple Man couldn't dive off the bridge into the water and live to tell about it." Multiple Man gave her a gleaming smile. Callisto rolled her eyes and in a flash she was gone.

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Meanwhile, in the monumental metallic office of the Master of Magnetism, Mystique was busy making more moves on Magneto. He sat at his desk, busily typing on his computer while she lazily ran her fingers through his hair, nudged his neck with her nose or draped her arms along his shoulders. He was wearing that crimson shirt again. She loved that red shirt so much that she could never keep her hands off him when he wore it. A knock at the door caused Magneto to stop typing but Mystique continued her affectionate touches. He lightly tapped her hands and she dejectedly pulled them away from him with a small pout. With a wave of his hand the door opened and Callisto was standing in front of his desk even before he had opened it half way.

"Damn, Callisto! You can't walk normally for once? That creeps me out." He said giving her an annoyed look.

"Sorry. What was it you'd like to see me about?" Callisto was trying not to look at Mystique who always stood behind Magneto with her arm draped on his chair every time Callisto had ever been in his office. The blue skin surprisingly didn't bother her but the piercing yellow eyes freaked her out.

"Yes, I have an assignment for you. Mystique and I will be leaving shortly for a few days and I feel that the lair would be best left in your charge."

"Leaving? Where are you going?" Magneto glanced up at Mystique who gave him a knowing smile.

"Just to Dubai. There's something we need to do down there." He said as though she were missing the joke. Callisto didn't even want to know what they would be doing in an exotic location in the Middle East by themselves. "We'll be leaving Thursday so I would suggest you inform the others." Callisto nodded her head, and in a flash she was gone. No sooner had Magneto closed the door when Mystique pushed him back in his chair and straddled his lap.

"I love it when you tell people what to do." She said, her bright teeth a fluorescent white against her blue skin. He laughed and pulled her in for a noon time make out session.

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After leaving Magneto's office, Callisto was back in the commons room in 1.873 seconds.

"Hey, fools! I'm the boss of you all!" No one looked at her, not even in apathy, but continued to play their game of Go Fish.

"Did you ask him about the bridge?" Archlight asked. Callisto paused.

"Dammit!" And in a flash she was gone.

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Magneto and Mystique were necking like teenagers when Callisto came breezing through the door.

"I forgot. Would you mind raising th…holy sshhhh…! Mystique scrambled off Magneto's lap as Magneto sat up straight in his chair and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Callisto had never been so shocked in her life. I mean, what the hell? She had just left the office less than ten seconds ago. "Whoa! Never mind!" Callisto was 0.0546 seconds away from leaving when Magneto spoke.

"What is it, Callisto?" He asked quickly through pants, his breathing still heavy.

"Archlight needs the bridge to the dungeon raised." Magneto lifted his brow in puzzlement but didn't ask questions. He could see the bridge from his office and he raised it from his position in his chair. "Thanks!" Callisto said quickly before disappearing out the door, obviously in too much a state of shock to stick around or act nonchalantly. It was then that both Magneto and Mystique noticed the dark clouds billowing towards the island only a few miles away.

"I thought today was supposed to be a sunny, clear day." Magneto stated with confusion.

"That's what the weather channel had said." Mystique replied. They looked at each other, both sensing an ill wind that blows no good.

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**Author's note**: As you noticed every character maintains a hint of their personalities but for the most part I was just trying to get the story to move along since I don't plan on writing in great detail nor do I want to take the time to make sense. I'm too lazy for that. If you decide that placing a rude review is necessary, please make it eloquent so that it's harder to slander you in the next chapter.

Was this story funny? If yes, please leave a review. If no, please leave a review.

Did I offend you by portraying your favorite character as a giant imbecile? If yes, please leave a review. If no, please leave a review.

Next Chapter: Storm and Sabertooth battle off. Callisto and Jean Gray battle off. Iceman and Pyro battle off. Rogue watches in disgust and (for those tweeny fangirls) Angel is shirtless.


	2. The first round

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

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As the X-Jet neared the distant island the tension inside the cabin grew visibly anxious. Kitty and Colossus tapped their feet incessantly. Bobby and Rogue kept glancing at each other, giving nervous smiles and then looking to the floor. Angel's face was a mask of trepidation, his wings quivered, his naked skin was covered in goose bumps. Logan was asleep.

Under the cover of Storm's clouds the jet flew low to the water.

"You know," Beast started, "The forecast was to be a very bright and sunny day. I'm sure the clouds are just signaling our presence." Storm didn't even turn to look at him.

"C'mon, Henry. My powers are almost useless. Just humor me in this one moment." Beast shrugged and tried one more time to button his jacket but the long years and development of his aging physique would not allow such a constriction to occur.

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Meanwhile, back in the metallic lair, the Brotherhood was just finishing up their game of Old Maid when Magneto's voice boomed over the intercom.

"Everybody get ready. We have a few visitors." They all looked at each other in puzzlement.

"Visitors? Who do you think it is?" Juggernaut said.

"I hope it's some hot bitches." Pyro replied excitedly.

"I hope it's your mom." Sabertooth growled. Pyro scowled but shrank away when Sabertooth gave him a sharp toothed grin.

"Dumbasses." Callisto said gathering the cards and placing them back in their box. "It's most likely trouble. Start preparing for battle, fools." Ever since Magneto had deemed Callisto den mother only half an hour ago she had referred to the collective group as "fools" no less than seven times. Everyone rolled their eyes at her obvious ego trip.

"Ya know, fool," Toad stressed the last word. "Mystique still outranks you. Don't think you're anyone special."

"Don't be gettin' up in my binezz!" She shouted.

"Don't be hatin'!" Toad yelled back.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Multiple Man tried to calm them down. He made three copies of himself and restrained them both. "Let's dispense with the ghetto nonsense. It's annoying."

"Yeah, we have to get ready for a fight!" Pyro jumped to his feet enthusiastically. He raised his arm in the air and waved it around. "Battle stations!" He cried out. They all stood around giving him an odd look. Pyro shrank back again awkwardly. When they all made sure Pyro felt good and stupid they shuffled out of the room shaking their heads.

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The X-Jet landed on the island. The X-Men, all uniformed except for Angel, came scurrying out of the plane and as soon as their feet touched land they all split up in improper battle technique.

"I'll just stay here then!" The forgotten Professor X shouted back at them still strapped tightly to the seat.

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Battle 1: Storm vs. Sabertooth

Storm found herself wandering alone around the cliffs of the island. She heard loud footsteps approaching and she turned to see Sabertooth round a rock. Upon seeing her he grinned his canine smile.

"Well, well, if it isn't thunder thighs." He said.

"What! My legs are not fat!" She put her fists on her hips trying to stress her offense to his statement.

"I didn't say they looked bad." He was already in a fighting stance. She bent low ready for his strike. It came sudden. He ran forward and raced towards her at an alarming cat like speed. Luckily, Storm had retained her catlike prowess from training with the choreographer from the movie bomb Catwoman. She dodged him and as he passed, too fast to stop himself, she stuck her foot out and he went sprawling forward. He landed spread eagle in the dirt thirty feet away and slid another twenty feet till his body came to a full and complete stop. He got up, brushed himself off, turned to face her and then gave her a loud and piercing roar somewhat as a demonstration of his anger but mostly just to show off. She crossed her arms and gave him a dumb look.

"You think I'm impressed? My grandma's bitching is scarier than you." Sabertooth charged again but this time he took a more cautious approach. As she went to dodge him she had to turn swiftly and in doing so her cape flew up and he grabbed it. She felt herself yanked back as he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tight. He turned her to face him and noticed her eyes were currently a cloudy white that made her look possessed.

"What're you doin'?" He snarled in her face. Her eyes got even cloudier. The sky above was darkening. He heard thunder. _One, two, three_…He held her tight and looked around. _Four. Five, six_…He saw a cave to the left about a hundred feet away. Dragging her with him he headed towards it. _Seven, eight, nine_…He could see the cave's entrance, he was so close…

_KABOOM_!

Sabertooth felt a blinding pain shoot through his nerves as the shock of the lightening hitting him raced through his body. He had the sense to drop her on her head as he let her go.

"OW!" He yelled holding his head.

"OW!" She yelled holding her head. They both stumbled around painfully wishing the blinding headaches would just dissipate before the other's did. Sabertooth could still feel a horrible heat resonating from the top of his skull. He patted the fire out. Storm looked up at him and noticed the white smoke puffing up from Sabertooth's head. She also noticed the patch of blackened fur surrounding the now bald part of his crown. She began to laugh hysterically.

"A-hahahaha!" She held her stomach and pointed mockingly at him. "I turned you into a Hairless Mexican cat!" He gave her a death glare and then before she knew it he had pounced on her and grabbed her by the neck. She struggled to wrestle out of his grasp but he had a vice grip. She began to summon her energy again. He noticed her eyes get that cloudy, filmy, disgusting look again. He heard the thunder. _One, two, three_…He dragged her to the entrance to the cave. _Four, five_…

"Good thing your powers take so damned long to summon, Stormy." He said disdainfully. He pushed her back to the wall. She felt her feet come off the floor as he held her by the neck. He came close to her. She could smell the kitty litter on his breath. "You still owe me that scream…" he growled in her ear.

"How about a rain check." Sabertooth saw lights, stars, his mom and his life flash before his eyes…you name it and he saw it as Storm connected her boot hard into his nads. His grip immediately went limp and she fell the two feet down to the floor. His hands went instinctively to his groin and he began to wail in pain. His high piercing cat like cries sounded just like the cries of the baby orphan jungle cats the people of Storms African tribe would find sporadically. It was rather pathetic. As he mewed and rolled around on the floor holding himself she found this the best time to escape. She didn't want to keep fighting Sabertooth. He was big and mean and she wanted to find some other opponent that wouldn't be too difficult to defeat. Maybe that Spyke guy was around…

Winner: Storm – But just by a hair. (A cat's hair, you knew that was coming)

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Battle 2: Callisto vs. Jean Gray

Jean Gray was meandering the halls of the lair. She was aimlessly walking when she was suddenly knocked off her feet and landed onto the ground.

"What the hell?" She said getting up. As she stood up she was knocked back down by some unseen force. "Oh, c'mon! Who's doing that?" She shouted as she got up again. There was laughter behind her and she turned to see who it was. A chick clad in leather came striding towards her. Her body was marked by tattoos, and not very good ones.

"What's the matter? Too stupid to keep your balance?"

"Was that the best you could come up with?" Her remark garnered Jean another trip to the floor. "Stop that! God, that's annoying!" She said picking herself back up again.

"Damn, your dumb."

"Bullshit. I've got a Ph.D. What do you have?" Callisto gave her a mean glare and tensed for battle.

"I'm an R.A.K!" Jean returned a puzzled expression.

"All right, I'll bite. What's an R.A.K.?"

"Registered Ass Kicker, Bitch!" In a flash Jean saw her disappear. She knew to be on her guard but 0.789 seconds after she saw her disappear she was on the floor again.

"Dammit! You are so irritating!" Jean cried out. She summoned all her powers and like a magnet, anything that could be brought to her came. The only problem is that there aren't a whole lot of things in a hallway…except a lot of doors. The doors broke off their hinges and Jean caused them to rapidly surround her in a giant shield. There was a loud _THUMP_ as Callisto rammed right into one.

"OW!" Callisto shouted holding her nose. Callisto got up and this time intentionally rammed into one of the doors with her shoulder. The force of the impact knocked the door into Jean who collided into the door behind her and she went stumbling to the floor along with her makeshift shield.

"Damn, you suck!" Jean said getting up and brushing herself off. It was then she saw her left hand. She held it up to her face to get a better look. Her eyes went wide in anger and alarm. "Oh my god! You broke my effin nail, bitch!" The wrath of Jean's power caused the doors to come alive again but this time Jean made them soar around her in a tornado shelter. The doors began to circle faster and faster around Jean until they looked like wooden blurs hovering around her. With her arms out Jean caused one of the doors to swing out towards Callisto who dodged it but found that it was searching her out, looking to knock her silly. As the door followed her, Callisto ran as close to Jean's tornado of wood. With as much force as Jean could muster she hurtled the door at Callisto. The leather clad chick dodged the door…and it flew full force into Jean's defense twister. The wooden collision smacked into Jean making her and the other doors all fall to the floor with a thunderous crash. Jean lay sprawled out unconscious. Callisto clapped her hands together, wiping the dirt from off her skin. Easy…

Winner: Callisto – Let's all remember she beat boring Jean Gray, not the omnipotent Phoenix.

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Battle 3: Pyro vs. Iceman

Rogue and Bobby traveled all the way up to the north side of the lair where the cavern that had once housed Magneto's infernal machine was. Rogue recognized the place from Magneto's memories.

"Ah don't like this place, Bobby." She said taking his arm and clutching him closely.

"Aw, don't worry, Rogue. I'll protect you." He said giving her a smile.

"Why don't you let a real man protect you, Rogue?" Pyro's voice was heard first before he was seen coming out of the shadows.

"Why don't you _cool _your jets, John!" Bobby said pushing Rogue behind him. "Or I can _cool _them for you!" Bobby emphasized "cool" quite dramatically.

"What's the matter Bobby? Can't stand the _heat_?" Pyro put emphasis on his own token words.

"Oh, I'm as _cool_ as _ice_. It's you that needs a little _simmering down_!"

"Simmer down? Things are about to get _fired_ up!" Rogue rolled her eyes.

"Fer gawd's sake, you two! Just fight all ready, will ya?" Pyro didn't need an invitation. He fired up his lighter and shot a fireball straight at Bobby who just barely had time to extinguish it with his ice blast.

"Hot enough for ya?" Pyro sneered.

"Dispense with the crackpots, huh, tard!" Iceman shouted as he shot a stream of ice at Pyro. Pyro quickly shot off a torrent of fire, counter acting with Bobby's ice. With the combined mix of the blaze and ice steam began to accumulate and rise out of the meeting of their powers. Soon the whole cavern was enveloped in a thick fog.

"(Cough) Rogue! (cough) Make him stop!"

"Ah cain't see 'im! Ah cain't see nuthin'!" She shouted trying to make out the glow of Pyro's flame. The air was too thick.

"Just quit, Bobby!" Pyro shouted over the noise of the flame and ice. "I'm like a sore peter!"

"A sore peter?" Bobby shouted more rhetorically than inquisitively.

"Yeah!" Pyro kept shouting as he walked forward blasting his stream of fire. "I just can't be beat." Bobby suddenly saw Pyro right in front of him. He grabbed his hands and the fire and ice stopped. Pyro yanked his hands out of Bobby's grip then stretched his fisted arm back. Bobby pulled his own arm back and in a hard lunge he swung at Pyro…at the exact time Pyro swung. Their fists connected to the other's chin and they both went down in a tangled web of arms and legs. From a few feet away rogue heard the thump as the boys landed on the ground.

"Are you guys all right?" She asked making her way towards them. "What happened?" No one answered her. It took a while for the fog to clear but when it did she saw right away the heap the two boys made as they lay one on top of the other. Rogue shook her head in disdain. She then pulled out her X-Men cell phone and took a picture of them in each other's arms.

Winner: Draw – But if anyone's a winner it's Rogue for capturing the moment.

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**Final score**:

X-Men – 1

Brotherhood – 1

Draws – 1

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**Author's note:** This story doesn't make a lick of sense, I'm well aware of that. But just think of this as a mutant Celebrity Deathmatch. Would someone mind reviewing and letting me know whether this story is good, good enough, or blows? Please no flames as I am just trying to create a silly work of fiction.

Next Chapter: Toad and Beast battle off. Multiple Man and Cyclops battle off. Spyke and Kitty battle off. Wolverine and Magneto…well, they cross paths but I wouldn't really call it a battle.


	3. The second round

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

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Let's recap. The X-Men are invading La Isla de Metallica. Mags and Myst are humping like rabbits. Angel is shirtless. Sabertooth no longer has the equipment to bear children. Dr. Gray broke a nail and lost her temper, right before losing her dignity. Multiple photos of Pyro and Iceman will be hanging in the Brotherhood commons room and the student lounge of Xavier's school by Monday. By Tuesday it'll be all over and Rogue's myspace page.

**Event score tally**:

X-Men – 1

Brotherhood – 1

Draws – 1

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And now, let's close our eyes and head back to the island arena where we can all GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!

Battle 4: Toad vs. Beast

The hairy blue mutant was bounding nimbly along a rocky path outside the large fortress when a bright shiny object caught his attention. Curiosity overwhelming him he headed towards the object and was stunned to spot the oddest thing he'd ever seen. Someone had built a small shiny metal castle in the middle of a cleared one acre wood complete with flag pole although no flag currently flew from it. It stood about forty feet high and was about sixty feet long. It was not very big at all but large enough to have been someone's house. He ran around it and noticed it was a perfect square, but there was no door, no windows, nothing to indicate it was habitable. He scratched his head. Obviously the Master of Magnetism had built this. Who else could have done it? The real puzzlement was why. Hank had no idea why Magneto would make a metal castle that had no visible practicality and as a scientist it was killing Hank not to know why. As he stood there, staring at the castle he suddenly became aware of his reflection in the smooth steel. He saw himself…and something the color of booger green sneaking up behind him. He saw the thing get ready to pounce, then it sprang up in the air with hands high in front of him, headed straight for Beast. He was ready for him. As soon as the thing was near enough Beast sidestepped quickly.

_SMACK!_

The blob of green was oddly enough wearing clothes. _So it's not a giant booger at all_. Hank thought. _It's a mutant after all_. The green mutant's squished body paused thickly on the castle wall and then began to ooze down with a sick slimy sound. Hank wrinkled his nose at the noise it made.

"Gross. I'd say that's one of the most repugnant sounds I've ever had the misfortune to hear." Hank found a long stick lying on the ground nearby. He picked it up and very carefully began to prod the heap of green lying squashed in the dirt. It just lay there. It looked dead. Like a lot of horror movies and against his better judgment Beast went in for "a closer look." For some reason Hank stuck his face close to the mass of green, noting it's reptilian like smooth skin…

_SLLLLURPACK!_

Beast stumbled backwards as something wet, thick and bearing a rancorous odor sealed itself onto his face. He would have roared in surprise if he wasn't so afraid of getting the stench in his mouth. He wrestled at the goo, pulling it off him in nasty balls of slime. Hank fell to the ground and began rubbing his face in the dirt. He was better able to saturate the slime and extract it from his neatly trimmed facial hair.

"Ugh! Of all the fowl and unmerciful phenomenons to ever transpire…!" He shouted loudly, not really knowing how else to express his frustration. Hank wasn't one to cuss. He heard a horrendous laughter coming from the giant booger. He looked at it and realized it was some disgusting lizard looking thing.

"You like my goo, Cool Blue?" He said through his high pitched giggles. Hank got the impression this thing was a social outcast even in the mutant community. Ten bucks says he was a virgin.

"Not really, Jaundiced Green ." He said stressing the color mockingly. You like my roundhouse kick to your face?" Beast sprang with crazy agility and connected his bare blue foot to the frog's nasty, filthy head. Beast noted the texture of his skin was like a dirty sponge. The green mutant went flying back and smacked back into the wall of the castle but his spongy skin acted more like elastic as he bounced off it and landed face first in the dirt again. Hank stood on one leg as he stopped to inspect his foot.

"Damn, what do they call you? Slime ball? Play dough? Boogie Man?" The green mutant quickly got up off the ground. Fury etched on his face.

"The name's Toad, Furball! You better remember that 'cause you'll…cause I'll make you…cause…" Toad had to stop and figure out how he could shape his sentence into a putdown. Beast waited patiently although there was a look of concern on his face.

"Can I help you out?"

"No! I can do this myself!" Toad crossed his arms and tapped his foot. Beast looked at his watch, then started to whistle the theme to the A-Team while calmly surveying the lovely island. Toad suddenly snapped his fingers.

"You better remember my name 'cause you'll be screaming it at night!" Beast stopped and gave him a surprised yet horrified look. Toad realized his error. "From the nightmares! Dude, c'mon, I meant cause I'll give you nightmares." Toad's face went red, which was a nice change from his sickly green.

"Oh, haha, right…" Beast laughed nervously. They cleared their throats awkwardly, not looking into the other's eyes. "Sooooo…uh, I guess y-"

"Your mama wears army boots." Toad stated rather casually.

"I beg your pardon!" Beast asked incredulously. "You think insulting me will make me forget you just tried to make a pas-"

"Your mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone!" Toad said mustering up more courage.

"Now see here, you litt-!"

"Your mama so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house!" Beast sprang up at Toad and grabbed him by the collar. Toad reached back and sliced his open palm through the air landing it square on Beasts cheek. The fur shielded him so it really didn't hurt but the surprise was enough to make him let go of Toad.

"You bitch slapped me!" Beast yelled holding his hand to his cheek. "What kind of animal are you that bitch slaps people? You call yourself a man?" Toad jumped up high onto the castle, then mockingly stuck his tongue out at him.

"Nyah, nyah!"

"Oh, what are you, twelve? In the name of all things holy!" Beast came up to the side of the castle. "Come back down here you wart infested specimen and fight like a man!" Toad hocked a giant green loogie. It headed straight for Beasts head. He easily dodged it but it was gross nonetheless, and extremely annoying. "Don't make me come up there!" Hank waved his fist at him.

"You don't frighten me, mutant pig dog!" Toad shouted. "Go and boil your bottoms, you son of a silly person! I blow my nose at you! I fart in your general direction!"

"What! Why, you coward! You're quoting Monty python! Don't you have one original thought in your h-…Hey!" Toad launched more spitballs at Beast who jumped around dodging them. "Stop that! Augh, this is so humiliating!" There was a pause as Toad stopped to produce more phlem from deep within his lungs. Hank backed up from the castle, took a running start and then bounded high into the air. He successfully reached the top of the castle, his feet landing on the shiny metal surface, only to have his own balance betray him as the slick metal caused him to slip suddenly. He flapped his arms and his legs ran crazily through the air but the surface of the steel was too slippery and Beasts hairy feet could not grip the floor. Hank went sprawling. His frustration mounted when he heard Toad burst out laughing.

"Oh, man, you should have seen your face!" Toad hooted, holding his stomach. Beast tried to get up but his feet were not equipped to handle the slick surface like Toad's slimy feet were. He slowly tried balancing himself but the best he could do was stand on all fours. He looked like a puppy experiencing walking on ice for the first time. Toad laughed continuously while Beast tried to get his bearings.

"You're a wicked creature!" Beast yelled at him although the last word came out hurridly as he almost slipped again at that moment. This caused Toads laughter to become even more harsh.

"What's going on here?" Shirtless Warren landed on the castle between the two mutants.

"Angel! Would you mind helping a friend out?"

"Sure, but you'll have to spell everything out for me. I'm ineffectual otherwise…" It was then Warren noticed Toad had stopped laughing and was giving him a very strange look. There was a crazy glint in his eye. "What are you supposed to be?" He asked the green guy. As soon as he had finished his statement Toad jumped closer to Warren, his long thick tongue protruded quickly from his mouth and it enveloped Angel in a horribly disgusting wet squeeze.

"AAAAAAGGGHHHH!" Angel screamed as he struggled to get out of the worst "hug" he'd ever had the bad luck to encounter. "Holy cow poop! My beautiful wings! Get him off me! Gethimoffme!"

"What the hell are you doing! Let go of him, Toad!" Beast yelled trying desperately to make his way over to his fellow X-Man. Angel kept struggling as Toad's tongue wrapped even tighter around the half naked boy. Toad now had Warren in his arms as he plucked at the wings and began to eat them. Angel screamed even louder. The pain was not physical but emotionally Warren would be pained for life. "No, no, not my beautiful feathers!" Warren had streams of tears flowing down his cheeks. Toad plucked another feather only to have it snatched out of his hand.

"I said let go of him!" Beast shouted in his face. He grabbed Toads neck and squeezed hard, feeling his jaw slacken and his tongue's tight hold on Angel loosen. Angel wrestled free of the restraint and Beast grabbed his tongue then wrapped it around the nearby flag pole. He quickly double knotted his tongue and then pushed Toad off the side of the castle. He fell with a loud shriek then bounced halfway down only to be suspended there, swinging in the wind. Beast and Angel looked down at the screeching Toad, then they looked at each other, their chests heaving from the strange incident that had just occurred.

"You've got…uh, there's something on your…" Beast tried to point out to Warren all the slime on his body. Warren reached up and wiped his face with the back of his arm, but instead of wiping it off he moved the slime to the corner of his jaw.

"Did I get it?"

"Uh, no, you moved it…it's on your, uh…" Warren wiped again but moved it back to its original position on his face.

"Better?'

"Actually, it's now back…uh, it's, well…" Beast sighed. "Yeah, you got it."

"Jeez, I've never felt so violated in my life. And I'm pretty so people have tried before. That guy is so gay."

"Actually, I think you looked like food to him."

"No, I think he wanted me." Warren stated factually.

"Are you sure, cause he was trying to eat your wings…"

"Nah, he wanted me. I mean, really, how could he resist?" Warren placed his hands on his hips with arrogance. Beast shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Winner: Beast – Like I would really let Toad win. And in this battle there were three contenders and two losers…one just happened to come out on top.

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Battle 5: Magneto vs. Wolverine

While wandering the walkways, Wolverine wound his way into the weapons woom, er, room. He looked around at the myriad of knives, swords, axes, maces, chains, bo staffs, throwing stars, nunchucks, and anything else that was made of metal…except for guns. Not one gun was present in the entire room. Logan was busy inspecting all the hardware when he smelled someone coming. He ducked into the corner of the room just as Magneto came striding in. Magneto was wearing his standard uniform complete with cape sans helmet. He seemed to be looking for something.

"I could have sworn I felt adamantium here somewhere…" He said quietly to himself. Magneto's back was to Wolverine. It was probably because of all the metal in the room that Magneto was having trouble locating the source of the adamantium. Wolverine crept out of the corner.

SKINT!

Magneto heard the slice of the knives and he turned to face the sound.

"Looking for me, Bucket Head?" Wolverine asked, his body fully displaying his battle mode. Magneto gave him an expression of pure astonishment.

"You have got to be shitting me."

"What's wrong, Mag-freak-O? Too scared to fight?"

"Are you serious? Where's your common sense? Oh wait, I forget common sense isn't too common in the Xavier Institute." Wolverine pounced high with claws extended. Magneto sighed and held up his hand causing the mutant animal to stop, suspended in the air.

"Let me explain to you where you went wrong. First of all you shouldn't have announced your presence. Stealth would have been your best approach. Second you can't call me Bucket Head at this point in time seeing as I am not wearing that atrocious yet functional helmet. Third the term Mag-freak-O only allows your juvenile behavior to shine through, and that is not a compliment." With that Magneto waved his hand and Wolverine slammed into the wall. Every knife, sword, axe, mace, chain, throwing star, and anything else metallic obeyed Magneto as they headed towards Wolverine threateningly. The chains bound themselves heavily around Logan locking him into a chain cocoon and binding his claws to the wall. The knives and other sharp instruments lodged themselves into the chain and made sure Logan couldn't move without piercing himself. Other weapons such as maces and axes positioned themselves on the floor beneath Wolverine just in case he happened to escape his binds then he would fall onto a very sharp base.

"Now you just stay there and think about what I said." Magneto strode out of the room laughing a malicious villain's laugh. Logan grunted as he tried to free himself. He gritted his teeth as he accidentally caused a katana to slice through his leg. The sharp pain made him flinch making his left arm go into a sharp sword. He barked in pain. He hoped Jean wouldn't happen to come across him like this. She would never leave Scott for him otherwise…

Winner: Magneto, no contest. C'mon, the guy manipulates metal! Wolverine had a better chance of winning the Miss America competition.

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**Final Score**:

X-Men – 2

Brotherhood – 2

Draws – 1

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**Author's note**: The "holy cow poop" I snagged directly from a reviewer named Frankie. I read that and laughed my ass off. Hope you don't mind that I stole that line. Thanks also to **AngelofSnow**, **00mrdragon00**, and **Independent Fire** for reviewing. You all are in my good book!

Sorry this chapter only has two battles but that Toad vs. Beast one took on a life of its own. It just kept getting longer, and longer, and longer…

Next chapter: Multiple Man vs. Scott, Spyke vs. Shadowcat, Ultimate Catfight nears and someone comes out of the closet…

Was this chapter funny? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Should more chaos, hilarity and stupidity ensue? If yes, please review. If no, please review.


	4. The third round

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

Also, I just found out that the dude I have been referring to as Spyke is actually named Quill. I have no idea where I got the name Spyke. I must have been high.

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Let's recap. So far the outcomes of the battles have placed four winners and seven losers in their respective brackets. Among the winners: Storm, Callisto, Beast and Magneto. Losers include: Sabertooth, Jean Gray, Pyro, Iceman, Toad, Wolverine and Warren (by default). Currently Toad is struggling to untie his knotted tongue off the flag pole on the top of Magneto's metal lego castle and Wolverine has managed to slice his way out of his chain cocoon only to fall onto the waiting sharp instruments. He is lying in a bloody heap on the floor of the weapons room. His injuries are severe. It'll take at least thirty minutes for him to recover from _that _dumbass escape but luckily the man's a trooper, kinda like those terribly silly Happy Tree Friends. Also Professor X is still strapped in his seat inside the X-Jet. He's fine. He found a Game Boy lodged in the seat next to him and he's enjoying his game of Tetris.

In this chapter I promise chaos, hilarity and coming out of closets.

**Event score tally**:

X-Men – 2

Brotherhood – 2

Draws – 1

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And now, back to the moment some of you have all been sort of waiting for, let the games continue!

Battle 6: Quill Vs. Shadowcat

Kitty carefully crouched below the counter of the considerably copious kitchen, continuing to catch cursory quick looks at the kid coming quite calmly to the kitchen closet. The normal looking but rather ugly mutant was unaware of Kitty's presence as he searched every nook of the kitchen. He opened the door to the large closet and went inside amid the jumble of brooms, mops and buckets. As soon as he was deep into the closet Kitty found this time to come out of the shadows. She closed the door behind him and locked it. Quill was enveloped in a world of darkness.

"Hey! What the fuck!" He yelled in surprise. A loud crashing and banging could be heard from inside the closet as he knocked into everything, unsuccessfully trying to make his way from the back to the door without tripping over all the cleaning supplies. From outside she could tell he had reached the door but since she had locked it the most he could do was jiggle the knob a few times in added irritation.

"Whoever's out there you can kiss your ass goodbye!" The muffled shout was ridiculously hilarious to Kitty. A new noise could be heard inside the closet and then three seconds later the door swung open to reveal a rather pissed off porcupine boy. His quills jutted out from his face, his eyes scanned the kitchen for the offensive invader, there was a quill in his right hand where he had picked the lock. Kitty had already phased into one of the large metal islands. She held her hand to her mouth in an attempt to keep him from hearing her snickers. She watched him quietly sneak around the chrome appliances looking everywhere for the culprit.

"Come out, come out wherever you are!" He said bracing himself after every turn around a corner. He continued to walk around with careful steps, his eyes darting everywhere including up above. He passed by the island she was currently in. As soon as his back was turned to her she took the first thing she could reach from on top of the island (which happened to be a gleaming silver ice mallet) and she tossed it to the far side of the room.

_CLANG!_

Quill turned quickly, fear etched on his face. Kitty silently laughed. He inched his way over to where the noise had been heard and discovered the mallet.

"Oh, so you think you're funny, do ya?" He shouted to the empty room. His voice reverberated off the chrome filled kitchen. He started searching around again, this time going through cabinets and waving his arms in front of him like a blind man. He was exploring every option just in case the mutant who was toying with him might be able to squeeze in tight spots or was invisible. She watched him inch past her again. As soon as he passed she quickly ran past him and ducked into the credenza across the way, tapping his shoulder as she passed. Quill turned but didn't catch her. The quills on his face quivered with fear.

"Who's there!" He shouted, his voice shaking. Quill knew his mutation was at a basic level and only good for hand-to-hand combat situations and since he didn't know who he was fighting he figured he was probably as good as beaten. Still, he continued to search the kitchen. Within the credenza, Shadowcat was trying hard not to laugh out loud.

"Here, kitty, kitty." He said quietly. Upon hearing her name Kitty was no longer laughing. An audible gasp escaped her lips. She hoped he hadn't heard it but then the credenza door flew open and Quill spotted her sitting in it.

"You're a girl!" He said in surprise. She phased out of the credenza.

"Yeah, so?" He gave her a look of shock. Probably both for the fact she was not weird looking and because her mutation presented him with a problem. _How the hell am I going to contest with that?_ He gave her a hard look, the seldom used wheels in his head spinning ferociously to come up with a decent plan of action. He finally came up with a mediocre one.

To Kitty's surprise he sighed and his quills retracted back into his body.

"I don't fight girls." He said. "My momma taught me manners." Kitty crossed her arms, her head turning to the side as she gave him a look of pure skepticism.

"Well, and here I thought chivalry was dead."

"I'm serious. I absolutely do not fight girls."

"Afraid to get beaten by one?" Kitty laughed. Quill grimaced but just shook his head.

"It has nothing to do with that."

"Oh, you think that girls are the weaker sex." Kitty said disdainfully. It was not a question.

"Can't you just accept that I don't want to fight you?" He gave her a serious look. Kitty was still unconvinced of his passive behavior but she was also hesitant of what to believe. He actually looked genuine. She stood motionless, glaring at him, trying to figure him out. He suddenly stepped towards her and she jumped back in alarm.

"What?" He asked, now holding his hand out. "I just want to shake hands on it."

"Shake hands?"

"Yeah," He said now coming slowly towards her with his hand outstretched. "You know, like an agreement that we won't fight." Her look of skepticism grew stronger but this time she did not jump back when he started to approach her again. He was now close enough so that she could take his hand but she just let him stand there with arm extended like an idiot. He waited patiently for a few seconds.

"Aren't you going to shake my hand?" He asked.

"No." She didn't even hesitate to answer. His face contorted into a look of anger.

"Oh, c'mon! Just take my hand!" He shouted. When she flinched he realized his error. "Just kidding!" He held his hands up in retaliation. "Just kidding. We're friends here." He said a little more softer. "If you don't want to shake on it then why don't we hug…" He said with arms outstretched. He started coming towards her.

"Are you 'effin' with me?" She said with astonishment. She began backing away as he came closer.

"Just a little hug." He said trying to close the gap between them a little more.

"Why? So you can hug me to death? What the hell is wrong with you?" She said backing away from him a little faster.

"C'mon!" He shouted, following her.

"No!" She shouted back.

"Hug me!" He yelled. His look of frustration evident upon his ugly mug. She backed quickly away as he followed her, he was so close now, his quills spiked out and he ran at her.

_THUMP!_

Kitty heard the loud collision from within the fridge that she had phased into. When she came out she found he had knocked himself silly and was currently lying on the kitchen floor. Some of his quills were bent and a few had snapped in half. She took one of the broken ones from off the floor and poked him in the ass with the sharp end of it. He didn't even stir. She laughed and then stuck the quill up his nose as an added bonus to herself.

Winner: Kitty Pryde. I really didn't care who won this fight since I'm not a big fan of either of them but I honestly couldn't see how porcupine boy could possibly win. Note: Kitty turned out to be a lot smarter than I had meant to make her. My initial intent was to make her a dumbass valley girl, but, whatever.

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Batttle 7: Multiple Man vs. Cyclops

Cyclops found himself in the humongous refectory of the metallic lair. The ceiling above was almost twenty feet high. The room looked a lot like the one from those Harry Potter movies, except that everything was made of metal. There were three rows of long steel benches. Deep in the back of the room was a large table where no doubt the Master of Magnetism and his right hand men (and women) sat. The room looked like it could accommodate hundreds of members of the Brotherhood but he couldn't imagine being there when it was Brotherhood terrorist season because the noise of all the people would reverberate off the rocky walls and continue bouncing off the steel structures. There was no way to insulate the noise.

"You seem confused." Scott automatically went into fight mode. He turned to see a normal looking guy in a leather jacket approaching him. He was obviously not scared. In fact he looked friendly. Scott relaxed a little but kept his hand close to his visor.

"Uh, I was just noting how there was no carpet or anything to insulate the decibel levels in here."

"Ah, I see. You a scientist?"

"No, math professor actually. But I know my basic physics." Their voices reflected off the steel benches and the walls causing an echo effect.

"Well, actually we have a pretty little girl who went home for the summer. We call her Muffle because she has the ability to manipulate sound."

"Oh."

"And also because she gives a lot of BJ's." He shrugged with the addition of his comment.

"Oh. Okay…"

"My name's Jaime." The man stuck out his hand. Scott looked at him for a moment.

"Uh, Scott." He said shaking his hand awkwardly with his left hand, his right hand still up near his visor.

"Nice to meet you Scott." Jaime said smiling.

"Uh, sure. Um, good-good to meet you too, uh, Jaime." Scott stuttered. Jaime clapped his hands together and rubbed them vigorously.

"So! I hate to do this to you now that we're friends and all but I'm going to have to kick your ass off this island."

"Well, I don't plan on going peacefully."

"I understand. Like I said, I don't want to do it but I'll get brownie points with Magneto if I do."

"Well, you can just let me go and pretend you never saw me." Scott suggested.

"Nah, I couldn't do that." Jaime said, a little hesitant with his next comment. "Unless you want to make out."

"What!" Scott said incredulously.

"Nothing." Jaime answered quickly. "Let's do it!" Again, Cyclops' brow raised in puzzlement. "I mean let's do this!"

"Bring it on, Jaime!" Cyclops said backing away from him. "And may the best man win!" Jaime had to roll his eyes at that one.

"You mean men." Scott heard someone say behind him. He turned and saw Jaime. He looked back ahead of him and was perplexed to see Jaime still there.

"What the fu-?" His comment was cut short by a swift punch in the mouth by the Jaime behind him. Scott stumbled but caught himself before falling to the floor. He lifted his hand to his visor and a red beam of light shot out at one of the Jaime's who was running towards him ready to tackle him to the floor. Jaime went flying backwards far enough to hit the far wall and come crashing to the floor with a heavy thud. The other Jaime came running towards him and Scott easily took that one out too. With the two Jaime's lying passed out on the floor Cyclops felt brave enough to smirk with pride.

"Sorry, Jaime, but is that all ya got?" He laughed.

"No." Came the reply from the open door. In strolled five more Jaimes. They all came striding in with large grins on their faces. Cyclops slumped his shoulders in surprised aggravation.

"Jeez, how many of them are you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." They all echoed. They came running at him quickly. Cyclops shot each one individually. The last one coming mere inches from him until he shot him clear to the other side of the room. As soon as he did the doors to the dining hall opened again and a stream of Jaimes came running in.

"Dude! What is this? The Matrix?" Scott shouted in frustration. He began shooting each Jaime individually but they were multiplying like rabbits and getting closer. Cyclops turned the setting on his visor to high and started shooting a stream of red. He turned himself in circles blasting away any Jaime he could hit. At one point Cyclops felt a kidney punch and he went down but before he could be subdued he quickly rolled once and stood up then started dodging and blasting the Jaimes that came near. The bodies began to pile up. There was well over a hundred dead Jaimes and in the center of the room was the tallest pile of deceased Jaimes. Cyclops made his way up on top of the pile and started shooting down at the Jaimes trying to get at him. They were everywhere, coming from all sides. They streamed in through the door continuously as Cyclops made mincemeat out of the majority of them. Cyclops realized he needed a better plan than just blasting the Jaimes away. As he shot them he would periodically shoot the Jaimes entering through the door in an attempt to make the bodies start collecting in the door frame. Slowly the pile grew as Cyclops kept shooting the near by Jaimes and then shooting the Jaimes trying to climb over the pile in the door frame. Soon there were so many dead bodies near the door that it was becoming impossible to enter the room. _Just a few more_. Scott thought as he started to focus most of his attention on the growing pile. _So close…_ He blasted away at four more Jaimes and felt his near futile efforts being prematurely rewarded by his proud success. The door was blocked. He turned to blast away the nearest Ja-

_THWAP!_

Cyclops felt someone sucker punch him in the stomach. He doubled over and felt another punch at his kidneys causing him to fall down the Jaime hill. He reached up to release another beam but then hands grabbed at his wrists, pulling them away from his visor. Scott struggled but there was still too many of them. Finally the twenty or so Jaimes left in the room pinned him to the floor. He looked up at them with anger.

"You should have chosen the less degrading option." Jaime said above him.

"Making out was not an option I would ever be wil-" A hard blow to the side of the jaw knocked Scott clean out. Jaime looked at Jaime, who looked at Jaime, who shrugged when he saw the other Jaimes look at him. Then they all got the same idea at the same time. Snickering the whole time the Jaimes cleared the room of all the bodies then undressed Scott and left his naked body on top of the steel table in the middle of the cold room.

Winner: Multiple Man. Funny, Jaime turned out to be gay yet Quill's the one that came out of the closet. Well, I've managed to over fulfill one of my promises. At some point chaos and hilarity will enter into this story.

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Battle 8: Archlight vs. Nightcrawler

Kurt entered one of the most amazing rooms he had ever been in. The library at Xavier's was quite impressive but the library on Magneto's island fortress could not be rivaled. He doubted the ancient library of Alexandria could have been this incredible before it burned to ashes. The entire room was made of a mixture of marble, iron, bronze, silver and gold. The gleam of the metal materials was suppressed by the myriad of books encased in the hundreds of shelves that reached all the way up to the ceiling that was over forty feet high. The entire room was built with a rich design, not like the sharp corners found in most libraries, but almost like a muted Frank Ghery architecture with circular patterns and intricate motifs. The room was windowless but magnificent and complete with a giant fireplace to the right. Thousands of books lined the shelves, many of them looked old and worn out, others were great fat books with titles like: Classic Engineering Structures of the Late Renaissance Period, and Metaphysical Properties of Atomic Geology. Most of the books where in German and English. There was one large book sitting on the lone desk that sat in the middle of the large room. Kurt approached it and found it was a title that sounded neither German nor English. He had never heard of it. Curiosity overwhelming him he picked up the well used book called _The Kama Sutra_ and flipped through the pages. He gasped at the graphic pictures inside and dropped the book back onto the table in an act of revulsion and guilt. _I did not think Magneto vas into pornography…_

Kurt heard a noise behind him. He teleported out of sight and onto a high up shelf just as he felt an odd brush of air reach him like a hot breeze.

"Dammit!" He heard below him. He looked to see a guy dressed rather oddly near the entrance to the library. The dude walked to the center of the room and picked up the dropped book. A smirk could be seen on his lips. "What a perv." Kurt heard the guy say.

"Vat?" With a loud Poof Kurt teleported back onto the floor of the library facing the dude. "I vill have you know, I am not a perv as you so stated!" The dude looked up and it was then Kurt noticed the bra it was wearing underneath the see through shirt. "Vat!" He said again. "Vhy, you are a voman!" Archlight sneered.

"Yeah, and what are you supposed to be? The incredible blue poof?"

"I am not gay." Nightcrawler said clearly offended. He crossed his arms and held his head high in the air with a snub.

"But I see you like to look at naked people doing it in all positions."

"I vas not! It vas already there vhen I valked in!"

"Sure it was."

"It vas!"

"Well, then, I applause your humbleness." Archlight made a point of emphasizing the word 'applause'. She clapped her hands forcefully knocking Nightcrawler backwards as a blast of her shockwave carried him clear across the room. His back hit the shelf and books came tumbling on top of him. Archlight clapped her hands again at the pile of books and they all went scattering in a cloud of pages and blue smoke. She went to it and found no body.

"Dammit!" She shouted. She looked around the room but didn't see him. "Come out and fight you stupid animal!" She yelled to the large empty room. "Or don't you have the blue balls?"

"I have very large blue balls, thank you very much!" He said reappearing in a cloud of smoke in front of her and applying a smooth kick to her face. She went down but managed to get a clap in before hitting the floor. It was a hasty clap that resulted in only a tiny shockwave but it was enough to toss Kurt back further from her. She got up and started clapping at him. He poofed in and out and she chased him with her waves. Pages went flying everywhere as her waves hit the shelves and made the books soar out of their places. She clapped high and she clapped low and every time Kurt managed to dodge the shocks. Finally Kurt had enough of her stupid powers. He poofed behind her and wrapped her arms around her body then quickly poofed out. He teleported them high above the room and dropped her. She went screaming downwards, her hands furiously clapping for no apparent reason other than she had no idea what else to do. Her body hit the soft carpet with a thud, her clapping had seized but she had demolished the rest of the library on her way down. Kurt poofed his way back to the ground. Although the rigid metallic room still stood as mighty as ever, papers were strewn about everywhere and Kurt feared most of the books were ruined except fot eh lone book currently at his feet that managed to survive. He poofed out of the room.

Two seconds later he teleported back into the room, picked up the book that had been lying at his feet entitled _The Kama Sutra_ and teleported back out.

Winner: Nightcrawler. On a related note, wanna hear a joke? Why do they call them blue balls? Because they're sad!

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Wolverine finally awoke out of his unconscious state.

"Are you okay, Logan?" Jean asked him. She and Colossus were kneeling beside him wrenching the sharp objects out of his body. Logan grimaced in pain each time.

"Yeah," he said. "But Magneto got away."

"Well, I'm sure he's still around. This is his pad, ya know." Pietro stated.

"You tried to fight Magneto? Why would you do that?" Jean asked in dismay.

"Well someone's got to take that guy down."

"Yeah, but not you, Logan. You don't stand a chance against him." Wolverine stood up defiantly.

"I can take Buckethead on any day." He growled. Jean and Pietro just shook their heads.

"C'mon, let's go find the others." Logan, not a scratch on him anymore although his clothes were covered in his own blood, led the way down the halls until they came to a rather large sat of double doors. They went in to find a man lying on a table in the middle of the massive room.

"Scott!" Jean said running to the unconscious form. Logan and Colossus followed her in, each looking at the other and almost unable to hold back their laughter. "What?" Jean asked. "Stop laughing at him! It's cold in this room!" She said covering Scotts body as best as she could.

"No wonder he's such a dick." Logan said. "He has a lot to make up for."

"Well, I'd be a prick too if that was all I was packing." Pietro laughed.

"Logan! I've seen you naked in the lab and you're not one to laugh!" Jean replied through gritted teeth. "And you, Colossus, I very much doubt you live up to your name." Both men let their smiles fade, their hubris dashed to the floor. They both held their hands in front of their pants and neither of them looked at the other.

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Magneto was on his way to find Mystique when he passed an open door that made him stop suddenly then scoot back. His eyes went wide as his eyes set on the destroyed library. His jaw fell in absolute horror as he entered the room, carefully trying not to step on the pages scattered on the floor. There was no one else in the room. He went to the barely standing desk and quickly looked under and around it. Magneto did not find what he was looking for. His jaw tensed in complete rage. With fisted ire he stormed out of the library intent on finding the culprit who stole his book.

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Final score:

X-Men – 4

Brotherhood - 3

Draws – 1

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**Author's note**: Thank you very much for those who reviewed the last chapter. **Frankie**, whoever you are, you sound totally cool! And in response to **00mrdragon00**'s question…I can't stand Angel. Not because he's overrated or that he can't act but because his appearance in the movie was pointless and I feel I will verbalize my irritation at this atrocity I call A-blatant-attempt-to-appeal-to-the-young-teen-girl-target-audience through pointless storytelling. So? What did you think about this chapter?

Was it funny? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Have you had a chance to read **AngelofSnow**'s badass intricate tale aptly named _Healing_? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Next chapter: Colossus and Wolverine battle Juggernaut. The ultimate catfight ensues! Lots of mischievous men look on. Professor Xavier makes an appearance.


	5. The fourth round

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

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Let's recap. Kitty managed to defeat the dumbest member of the Brotherhood. Multiple Man multiplied his pleasure by stripping Scott of his clothes. Nightcrawler beat Archlight and is currently trying hard not to beat himself (if you know what I mean) in a quiet corner of the lair with his stolen book. He just likes to look at the pictures. Meanwhile, Logan, Jean, Colossus and Scott are back together in the search of justice, and Magneto is furiously in search of the mutants who destroyed his precious library (and took his coveted book).

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What's the score, you ask?

**Event score tally:**

X-Men – 4

Brotherhood - 3

Draws – 1

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Uh, oh. Things are starting to get really violent now. I sense an ultimate battle between the ultimate X-Men coming on. Let's watch as the silliness unfolds…

Battle 9: Colossus and Wolverine vs. Juggernaut

After finally waking Scott up Jean gave him her long coat to wear but since it was a woman's coat, cut for a woman's shape, it gave Scott the illusion of having a supple bosom and child-bearing hips. They walked through the lair, never encountering anyone else because of the fortress' large size, however after meandering for half an hour they managed to stumble upon a massive room bearing a massive guy.

The room was obviously for training purposes. It was actually a combination of three rooms that made up one giant gymnasium. The first room was separated out into a weight room. Plenty of exercise equipment and mirrors adorned this room. The next one looked more like a gymnastics room. The floor was concealed by blue floor mats and there were hand bars, rings and anything else gymnastic related to the far right of the open room. Separated from these rooms was the monster of the three rooms. The austere looking space was pure metal in the size equal to a football field. The ground was just dirt. There were bleachers at the entrance to the room capable enough of seating over a hundred people. The room was actually dug into the earth making the place feel like a coliseum of sorts. It was here, in this Greco-Roman based room that they found the Juggernaut.

The giant of a man was in the middle of the dirt covered arena. His back was to them and he was busy doing something on the ground. They could hear him talking to himself but they were too far away to make out any legible words. They all looked at each other and then back at the oblivious character, then they headed down the stairs towards him. The Juggernaut was deep in his work and he never heard them as they approached. They were practically standing behind him when they stopped and listened to what he was saying to himself.

"…she'll be wanting to give Juggernaut a roight good rogering when she sees me art in the sand…" His voice was low and he was obviously deep in thought.

"Who are you talking about?" Logan asked. Juggernaut leaped to his feet in a stunning feat of ungraceful quickness. A piercing scream of surprise escaped his lips making the X-Men laugh at the comical display of such a large man shrieking like a woman. He turned to see who was behind him and saw Dr. Jean Gray, Colossus, Scott (who looked oddly attractive to Juggernaut) and Logan (who was eerily drenched in blood though there was not a scratch on him). They were not the four people Juggernaut wanted to see.

In intense curiosity the four looked down to the sand to see what it was Juggernaut had been doing. Drawn in the sand was a crude, childish drawing of a house and a tree with what looked like a man in a large helmet and a stick figure with boobs. Next to the image was a large heart with the words Juggernaut + Mystique 4eva. As they stared at the very strange dirt pictures Juggernaut quickly swept his foot over the ground and erased the images away.

"That's me art. You can't have a look here, see?" His thick English accent making him sound like a chimney sweeper from London. The real kind. Not the horribly fake accent Dick Van Dyke donned in Mary Poppins. Logan happened to catch Colossus' eye and the two set each other off in suppressed laughter. "What? It's not funny, you blokes! I've a mind to wallop you both upside the head! You and your strumpets…" He said pointing at both Scott and Jean.

"Hey!" Scott yelled. "I'm not a girl!" Jean rolled her eyes.

"Scott, a man calls us whores and your reply is that you're not a girl? Get real." Scott may not have selected the wisest defense but Colossus was "suiting" up for battle and Wolverine wasn't about to stand by and let some giant dumbass call his dream girl a ho.

_CHINK CHINK CHINK!_

_SKINT!_

"Think you're tough, do ya, tin head?" Logan asked in his best Clint Eastwood impression. "Well, do ya, punk?" There was a moment of deathly sinister silence as Wolverine, Colossus and Juggernaut all stood motionless, their teeth gritted, their knuckles white from tightened fists. Jean and Scott looked from one, to the other, to the other, then they looked at each other. With a nod of their heads they both came to the same conclusion and decided to sit this one out.

"C'mon, Scott. Let's go sit on the bleachers and make out."

"Yay! Even when I lose, I win!" The three continued to stare and assess each other. Wolverine's adamantium claws were fully extended. Colossus' metal armor plated his entire body. Juggernauts thick helmet showed only the rage that was building underneath the iron. They stared hard, their breathing the only sign of movement in their bodies. A full minute passed and none of the men had moved.

"What are they waiting for?" Scott asked between heavy kisses. "An invitation?"

"Who cares? Just kiss me you one-eyed Adonis." From somewhere high up in the ceiling of the arena came a loud ring that sounded much like a bell in a boxing match.

_DING DING!_

And they're off! Wolverine and Colossus dashed towards Juggernaut, yelling their battle cries as Juggernaut put his head down and started to sprint towards them. They were far enough from each other to gain some speed but neither of them were able to build up enough momentum to make themselves a stoppable force. The impact the three made comprised of a severe crash of metal on metal that resulted in a deafening clang. The room shook with the force of the trio's collision as they all hit their heads in a triangular formation causing them all to rear up in pain and fall backwards with arms flailed out. The three landed spread eagle on the ground, their bodies forming a perfect triangle.

"Aaagh!" Colossus cried out. "That's gonna hurt for a while." Wolverine, Colossus and Juggernaut sat up and rubbed their heads. Then they spotted each other and in forgotten pain and renewed energy they all pushed themselves off the floor, ready for battle again. Juggernaut was the first to get up but instead of sucker punching one of the other guys he ran away from them only to stop at the far end of the arena. Of course, Juggernaut being Juggernaut, he had only one course of action. Stampede. From all the way across the room he began to head towards them. Wolverine and Colossus bent their knees and braced themselves for his charged approach. Faster and faster the Juggernaut ran until he was so close they could hear his bullish breaths coming out in animalistic snorts. Colossus reared his metal encased fist back and struck at his helmet while Wolverine sliced his claws against the other side. Colossus managed to make a dent and Wolverine's sharp claws flickered like a fourth of July sparkler against Jugs' metal helmet but neither was prepared in finding themselves being thrown back into the air with a horrendously painful blow and then landing forty feet away onto the ground.

Juggernaut slowed down and then turned to face them again. Backing away a few feet he started his charge again. Wolverine and Colossus already had raging headaches but there was no time to take some aspirin. They got themselves off the ground just as Juggernaut was upon them. Instead of aiming for the helmet Colossus ducked just as Jugs came careening past him and he punched his iron fist into his side. Wolverine rolled out of the way and sliced his claws into Jugs' leg. Juggernaut howled in pain but didn't stop his charge. He ran past them and slowed his charge once he had approached the other side of the arena. He looked down and saw blood running down his leg. A large purple bruise was already forming on his left side. He looked up at them with a vicious glare. He was obviously pissed off.

"Don't you know who I am?" He shouted. "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" And with that he charged again. Colossus and Wolverine braced themselves once more. Juggernaut neared them and they rolled around in the same maneuver but the Juggernaut was ready. He threw his hands in their faces and knocked Colossus' arm away when he went in for another punch. He deflected Wolverine's claws by ducking his head further down which ended in him losing his center of gravity and coming down hard face first into the ground. He slid twenty feet before finally coming to a halt. He lifted his head and saw the Wolverine and Colossus still flying through the air. They both smacked into the far side walls and slid to the ground in metallic heaps of flailing arms and legs.

The Juggernaut leaped to his feet again. He took a few steps back and then began to charge like mad again before the two X-Men could regain their bearings. With his iron encased head ducked he sprinted towards them with surprising speed. The ground shook with the heavy steps of his large feet. Colossus, still sprawled out on the ground, saw it coming but he had no time to do anything but brace himself. The Juggernaut plowed over Colossus' metallic body, and straight through the thick metal walls of the arena.

A giant hole shaped like an eight foot monster outlined the new breach of the fortress. Colossus held himself in intense pain, unable to make a sound, as the Juggernaut had trod heavily on his stomach. The wind had been knocked out of him. Jugs stopped when he realized he was suddenly outside. A small shiny castle stood before him.

"Where the fuck did that come from?" He said. He noticed an odd looking flag waving from the flagpole. He had to squint to realize what it was. "Oh, hey Mortimer!" Jugs shouted with a dumb smile.

"Nhello Cain!" Toad said legibly though his tongue had turned blue from the lack of blood. He lifted his arm in a half wave. Juggernaut then turned around and ran back towards the visible hole in the fortress.

While Jugs was outside Wolverine ran over to Colossus and helped him up.

"Gonna be all right there, bub?"

"Yeah." Pietro grunted. "Tis but a flesh wound." They heard and felt Juggernaut running back as the ground began to shake. They ran out of the way just as the Juggernaut reappeared back into the room. He stopped and looked around and spotted them limping away from him along the wall.

"Ah ha! Try to run from me, will ya?" He ran full force towards them, his head down again. When he was mere inches from them Wolverine pushed Colossus to the side and Juggernaut ran straight through the wall making yet another outline of himself. This time it was similar to an image bearing a strong resemblance to a Looney Tunes cartoon. Scott and Jean hooted and hollered from the rafters.

"Wooh! That's how you do it!"

"What's going on here?" Kitty Pryde suddenly appeared.

"Hey there, Kitty. Come watch the fight between Colossus, Wolverine and Juggernaut."

"Really? That sounds so cool. Lucky thing I brought this giant bag of popcorn back from the kitchen." Despite the odd idea that Kitty had been hauling a huge bag of popcorn around the fortress, Scott and Jean didn't ask questions. While the three enjoyed the dinner and the show, Juggernaut came running back in. He spotted the other two men and charged at them again, this time careful with his speed.

"Whoa! Look at that!" Rogue, Bobby and Pyro came striding in, apparently they were all friends again. "It's the Wolverine and Colossus up against the Juggernaut!" Bobby said ecstatically.

"Go Logan!" Rogue shouted. The three kids sat themselves around the others and eagerly partook of the popcorn.

Wolverine braced himself for Juggernauts attack. Jugs' head collided into Logan's entire body and he drove him backwards with speed and power. Logan sliced at Jugs' helmet and arms and prepared himself for the pain as Jugs ran them both into a set of empty bleachers. The loud noise caused more people to investigate the racket. Callisto and Archlight had found Toad on top of the castle and they got him down. They came in through one of the holes in the wall. Upon seeing the fight they quickly went to the bleachers on the other side of the X-Men and watched with complete fascination.

"Go Marko!" They shouted. Archlight clapped for him but a few shockwaves made the building shake and everyone to look up at her with irritation. "Sorry." She ducked her head in embarrassment.

While Marko was getting up Colossus came up behind him and slammed a metal fist into his kidney. Marko wailed in pain. He turned and saw the metal man. He reared a muscular arm back and then shot his fist towards Colossus' jaw.

_CLANG!_

Again, Juggernaut wailed in pain as his fist connected with the metal of his jaw. He hadn't even made a dent in his armor. Colossus put his hands on his hips and was bent back in laughter. Juggernaut ducked his head into Colossus, grabbed his hips and started running, pushing the man in front of him. Colossus tried to slow the man but it was too late, he had already built up momentum. Colossus punched Juggernauts helmet with great might (which was deafening to Jugs inside his ears) but Colossus could barely make a few dents when he turned his head to look behind him…and then all he saw was a metal wall. Juggernaut plowed them both through it making pain sear through Colossus' body. Jugs let go of Colossus and ran over him as he slowed himself down outside the fortress. The Brotherhood members on the benches (which now included Mystique, Quill, Multiple Man and Sabertooth) were all cheering with boisterous applause.

Wolverine got up and ran towards the new hole. He helped Colossus back inside and then they both felt the familiar movement of the earth signaling Juggernaut was headed their way. They stood on either side of the new hole and waited for Juggernaut to appear. As soon as he did they surprised him with a metal fist to the stomach and a slice of adamantium across his back. Juggernaut cried out and stumbled to the ground, sliding through the dirt a good thirty feet before his body rested in the indention his heavy body had caused in the ground.

The X-Men all cheered wildly. Beast, Nightcrawler and Storm were all in attendance now. They watched the battle with enthrallment and ate the delicious buttery popcorn.

Wolverine and Colossus ran to the Juggernaut's fallen form. When they got there they stood by him and raised their fists and claws high in the air over him, ready to plunge more blows upon the bloody body when Jugs' arms shot out and he grabbed a leg of each of the men and knocked them both to the ground.

More Brotherhood cheering ensued as the three struggled to stand before the others. Juggernaut was able to get up and he kicked Wolverine over and stepped on Colossus then ran a small distance from them. He faced them again and started sprinting towards them. They both rolled out of the way as he ran past them. Unable to stop himself in time, and since once he was started he could not change direction, Juggernaut made another hole in the fortress.

During this brief moment while Jugs was outside collecting himself Jaime made his way towards the X-Men.

"Excuse me." He said to Kitty who was holding the popcorn. She looked at him as he took the bag from her. She was about to protest when Jaime duplicated himself, popcorn and all, then the original handed the original bag of popcorn back to her. He took the new bag of popcorn from his clone and re-assimilated the copy. "Thank you." Jaime said. He looked at Scott, gave him a little wink, and then made his way back to the Brotherhood bleachers. Scott scowled in humiliation.

Juggernaut came back into the arena looking mad as hell. By that time Wolverine and Colossus had relocated themselves to the other side of the arena. They were prepared for Jugs. As soon as Juggernaut entered through the hole he had just made, Colossus took one of Wolverine's hands and one of his legs and then twirled him around like a little kid. Since Jugs didn't want to have another occurrence like the last one he had simply walked through then stopped at the hole to survey his opponents. Colossus let Wolverine go and he went flying through the air with incredible speed towards Juggernaut.

"Fastball special!" All the X-Men shouted with glee as they watched Logan soar through the air towards the Brotherhood mutant.

Cain's helmet obscured his view from above and he never saw Wolverine coming. Metal claws sliced his shoulders and he felt something push his helmet back causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards onto the jagged ground outside the hole he had just entered.

The X-Men cheered wildly while the Brotherhood hissed and booed, popcorn falling out of their mouths.

Juggernaut got up but he was battered and bloody. He was losing energy and Colossus and Wolverine knew it. In a last attempt Juggernaut started running towards Wolverine with his head ducked down and with as much strength as he could muster. The Juggernaut didn't have nearly as much speed as before and Wolverine easily rolled out of the way. Before Jugs could pass him a strange occurrence…well, occurred. Juggernaut changed his direction. His head went towards Wolverine and he trampled over him. The Brotherhood stood up in wild excitement.

"What the hell?" Jean said to Beast. "The Juggernaut can't change his direction once he's gained momentum."

"Maybe it's because he's running at a slower pace."

"No, it shouldn't matter. He shouldn't be able to do it at all." They looked at each other and shrugged in bafflement.

Juggernaut was now headed towards Colossus. Colossus saw him coming. He tried to dodge the incoming mutant but no matter what direction he moved Juggernaut was headed for him. Jugs felt renewed energy in knowing he could follow their movements (although he had no idea how he was doing it) and he ran with monster force. The collision of his thick iron helmet to Colossus' metallic body was loud. Colossus went flying backwards and landed fifty feet away. Juggernaut never slowed down after plowing through Colossus. He simply kept running, changing his direction only once, towards Wolverine. Logan knew he had to do something other than dodge. He decided to run.

Juggernaut chased Wolverine everywhere. The fans watched and cheered loudly as their eyes followed Jugs and Wolverine running through all three rooms. Wolverine pounced over and under everything he could while Jugs plowed through more benches, and then through the gymnastics area and then through the weight room chasing him. They ended up back at the arena where Wolverine made a mad dash towards one of the holes in the walls. He ran through it then went directly to his right so that Juggernaut could no longer see him. Quickly Wolverine went through one of the other holes in the walls back into the arena. Juggernaut lost sight of Wolverine. He slowed down and then raced back through the same hole, only to have fallen for the same trick as Colossus and Wolverine waited for him by the entrance. Jugs went sprawling again.

The X-Men erupted in loud bursts of applause. Wolverine and Colossus quickly went to the side of Juggernaut but was careful to stay clear of his reach. They raised their fists and claws and struck with incredible force…right into each other. Logan's claws flinted sharply across Colossus' metal frame as Colossus' fist made contact with Logan's head. Both went down in shock and pain.

Both the Brotherhood and the X-Men stood up in surprising alarm. What the hell had just happened?

Colossus and Logan got up at the same time just as Juggernaut raised his head slowly in anguish. They all three sat on the ground and rubbed their heads. Suddenly, they all looked at each other…and attacked. Wolverine slashed at Juggernaut, but his claws ended up slicing across Colossus' body. Colossus punched wildly at the air, his movements looked jerky and uncontrolled.

"What the f-?" Juggernaut, a little frightened at the display before him scrambled out of the way of their unrestrained thrashing. Wolverine suddenly got up but the look on his face was of complete surprise. His arms went above his head and he began to twirl on his toes like a ballerina. The Brotherhood laughed but the X-Men all shook their heads in puzzlement. Colossus found himself standing up and moving as if to music. His arms and legs were straight and he realized he was doing the robot.

"Somebody help!" Colossus yelled as his arms and legs moved by themselves.

"Release your armor!" Beast yelled back. There was a sound of metal chinks and the Colossus was back to Pietro, in the flesh. He looked around and realized he was no longer under the spell Wolverine was currently still in. Logan's graceful display of ballet was quite incredible to behold. His face was red with anger, his teeth gritted in mortification.

"MAGNETO!" He shouted furiously. Laughter could be heard from above as the Master of Magnetism floated down from the dark ceiling where he had been perched on the vaults.

"I though you would never figure out the cause of Mr. Marko's ability to change his course."

"How long have you been up there?" Wolverine asked still under Magneto's control. His pilates stretched Wolverine's muscles making the striations easier to see, and a little sexier too.

"I came in right after you did. I saw you sneaking up on Juggernaut." He had a mischievous grin. "Where do you think that ring came from at the beginning of the fight?" The smirk was still plastered on his face. It pissed Wolverine off.

"Cheater." Wolverine spat as he twirled again. "Will you stop it!" With a small condescending frown Magneto released Wolverine.

"Don't you call him a cheater!" Mystique said glaring evilly at Wolverine and striding up to Magneto's side to take his arm. "He fought as fair as your stupid little tricks would allow, Mr. Backstabber." She said recalling the night at the Liberty Island.

"Backstabber!" Rogue said getting up from her position from the bench. Bobby and Pyro looked at each other in unease. "He's not a backstabber like you are!" Rogue said taking her gloves off and making her way towards Mystique. Jean stood up and stopped her.

"Calm down, Rogue. Don't give in to her antics."

"What's wrong, ph.D?" Callisto snickered from her position on the Brotherhood bleachers. "Don't want your sister to get her ass kicked like you did?"

"What the fuck, bitch!" Jean erupted uncharacteristically. "Was I talking to you?" Callisto stood up with a menacing glare at Jean's infuriating comments. Archlight stood up beside her. Not one to leave her friends in trouble, Storm stood up next to Jean. Kitty gulped hard, then reluctantly stood slightly (but was kind of hunched over) next to Rogue. Magneto looked at Wolverine. They glanced at each other with alarm. Erik gave Mystique a quick passionate kiss.

"Good luck, my dear." Magneto released their embrace then, using his powers, he dragged Wolverine with him back to the bleachers.

With a wave of Magneto's hand, the ring of a boxing bell echoed in the arena

Winner: Draw. But it looks like the men will all be winners once the ultimate catfight is underway.

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Final score:

X-Men – 4

Brotherhood - 3

Draws – 2

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**Author's note**: Thank you very much for all those who reviewed!

**XChocolateChipX** – I'm glad you find this fic hilarious! If there's anything I want to share with the world it's laughter. And sexually transmitted diseases. But mostly laughter. (I swear on my grave I do not have an STD. It's a joke!)

**AngelofSnow** – Please feel free to steal the library idea. Hell, take any idea of mine that strikes your fancy. I would love for the _Kama Sutra_ to show up on Erik's nightstand in your story.

**Frankie** – Don't worry, Mystique is one of my favorite characters too and she'll be kicking ass and taking names in the next chapter. Also are you aware of the _Kama Sutra_? It's not really pornography but a book full of "suggestions" for bedroom activities. The pictures are merely there to help the reader understand the intricate (and sometimes complicated) procedures. Yeah, Erik has no need for porn while he's got Mystique. Mreow!

**Andrew Joshua Talon** – Thanks for reviewing! Sorry, but despite his easy on the eyes appearance, Cyclops seems too simple to bash sometimes. I don't mean to be mean to him. It just happens. However he does have an admirer in Jean and a lot of admirers in Jaime.

Was this chapter funny? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Who do you think should win the ultimate catfight? If Mystique, please review. If Rogue, please review. If Jean, please review. If Callisto, please review. If Archlight, please review. If Storm, please review. If Kitty, well, you can review but I can guarantee you it won't be her.

Next chapter: Ultimate Catfight! Only one left standing. Who will it be? If you think you know email your answer and I'll give you a shiny quarter if you're right.


	6. The fifth round

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

**Double Warning! ** There is way more bad language in this chapter than any of the others. It probably doesn't meet the T rating but I didn't feel like changing it.

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Let's recap. The longest battle yet ended in a draw because of the intervention of the Master of Magnetism who was able to manipulate Colossus' armor, Wolverine's adamantium skeleton and Juggernaut's helmet. What a party pooper. Currently everyone but Angel and Professor X are collected into the arena where the women of the X-Men are trying to stare down the women of the Brotherhood. As most people know men may fight more but women fight dirtier. Let's watch as this stereotype is advocated.

But first, what's the score?

**Event score tally**:

X-Men – 4

Brotherhood - 3

Draws – 2

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Battle 10: Ultimate Catfight

X-Men: Brotherhood:

Storm Callisto

Jean Grey Mystique

Rogue Archlight

Kitty

_DING DING!_

Magneto sounded the bell. Unlike men, women like to strike at the heart first (where the real damage is done).

**Rogue**: "What was it you were saying about Logan, bitch?"

**Mystique**: "I was saying you both could probably get a few hair style tips. Perhaps from Professor Xavier?"

**Storm**: "Like anyone from the Brotherhood could talk! All you bitches use more hairspray than the blue-hairs from the state of Texas!"

**Jean**: "Yeah, if you three fell in the ocean it would be like the Exxon Valdez disaster all over again!"

"Oooooooh!" The boys of the X-Men looked at each other in amused surprise.

"Snap, Jean!" Scott shouted.

**Callisto**: "What's it to you? At least we don't spend all day combing our hair like a stuck up snob. You're the biggest fraud here, Goody Two Shoes!"

**Jean**: "Fraud? I'm not flaky and at least I look good. You and that thing" Jean said pointing to Archlight, "look like you just woke up and put on the cleanest piece of horsehide you could find!"

**Rogue**: "Yeah, smells like it too." She smirked.

**Archlight**: "Oh, like you have anything to say, Pansy. Weren't you the one hitching rides with smelly truck drivers and frequenting dirty bars up in Alaska?"

**Rogue**: "Pansy? Nightcrawler must have dropped you on your head pretty hard. You're the smelliest one in the room, Fartlight."

**Archlight**: "Hey! That wasn't nice!"

**Jean**: "Who's the pansy now? You might want to clean up your smell and your wardrobe, Fartlight."

**Callisto**: "Oh, so you think you're cool now, Dr. Dumbass? At least we all have style. You four look like the quadruplet convention breezed in."

**Rogue:** "Style? You call looking like a leather-clad dominatrix whore style?"

**Callisto:** I do not look like a dominatrix, bitch! These are my gang's threads and you'd be wise not to mess with my gang, Two-Tone!"

**Mystique**: "And if anyone's the whore here it's Stripes. If it wasn't for her useless mutation she'd be screwing the entire senior class and her stupid animal "guardian". She did a quote/unquote in the air as the trash talk was brought down to a whole new level.

"Damn, Mystique!" Jaime shouted as the brothers of the "hood" looked on with anticipatory glee. "You go, girl!"

**Archlight**: "As it is she's just a virginal wannabe with a sexually repressed gay boyfriend." Mystique laughed and gave Archlight a high five.

**Rogue**: "Who's calling who a virgin, Miss Ambiguous? You supposed to be a boy or a girl with little titties?"

**Archlight:** "Bitch, I got more than you got!" She said pushing up her boobs. Rogue imitated her and clearly, Rogue had more. The men of both groups all leaned in for a closer look.

**Storm**: "Don't even try to compare, Little Boy. You ain't got nothin' on any of us." Storm pushed her own boobs up in display.

**Mystique:** "I've got all you hos covered." She pushed her own up and tripled their size. There was an odd sound from the bleachers as a lot of jaws were dropped. They all looked at Magneto who was staring at Mystique's chest. A glazed over look and a sublime smile was plastered on his face as he thought about what he intended to do with her later on. There was a moment of silence as the belligerent tension and the virile jealousy in the arena heightened.

**Jean**: "God, you are such a slut, Mystake."

**Mystique**: "It's Mystique, Goody Two Shoes! Why don't you and your gay boyfriend go make out with Iceman. You all have so much in common. None of you have personalities."

**Callisto**: "Yeah! Why don't you go suck on your gay boyfriends other one-eye?"

**Jean**: "At least I can call him a boyfriend! Magneto's like a lecherous old man."

**Mystique**: "Is that the best you got?" She snorted and shook her head in disdain. "Is it possible living at a school made you X-sluts dumber?"

**Storm**: "A life of seclusion with poor specimens of men haven't exactly made you all Einsteins. You're the ones that get your asses handed to you when you try to carry out your precious Erik's plans!"

**Mystique**: "You people are like Scooby-Doo! You ruin other people's plans for no damned reason! What? Are you bored? Cause I can find you a village in need of rain instead of wasting your lightening power to fry up cats and toads."

**Storm**: "I would have time to save the earth if I didn't have to monitor your stupid Brotherhood with Magneto's stupid schemes!"

**Jean**: "For real! Who tries to mutanize world leaders? C'mon, that's just dumb."

**Mystique**: "It's not dumb! Erik is brilliant!"

**Callisto**: "You only wish your beloved Professor was as smart as our leader. It must be so boring to have to be at the beck and call of a crippled pacifist."

**Storm**: "Don't you ever speak of the Professor that way! He's way more intelligent than Magneto! He's smart enough to counterattack anything Magneto throws at him which is why we kick your asses every time!

**Archlight**: "Kick our asses? You wish! If Sabertooth didn't have nuts you'd be catnip by now!"

**Rogue**: "And if you didn't have nuts you'd be a girl!"

**Archlight**: "Shut the hell up, cock tease! Why don't you take your candy ass back to the bleachers before you get really hurt, you useless mutant."

**Jean:** "Useless? Like you're useful, you Ghetto Hussy. You should have been called "The Clap" not because it's your "power" but because you've probably got gonorrhea." All the men glanced at each other with a mixture of shock and laughter.

**Callisto**: "Oh, like you could do anything. You should have been called "Dr. Dolittle. You don't do shit. You probably just lay there as your gay boyfriend pretends you're a man."

**Storm**: "Better than being a minute-screw like you!"

**Callisto**: That's bullshit, Weather Witch! Why don't you ask your boyfriend about me. Oh, wait, you don't have a boyfriend."

**Rogue**: "Neither do you, Cunt Rash." Bobby and Pyro slapped their hands to their mouths in shock at Rogue's total white trash and completely indecent language. "Unless you named your fingers." She held up her right hand and pointed to each finger. "This one's probably Sabertooth," She pointed to the next ones. "Toad, Magneto, Pyro and Archlight."

**Archlight:** "Screw you, Dixie whore. You and your mute lesbian friend probably practice licking each other with the aid of Saran wrap. I'll bet you love a good pink taco or two." They all looked at Kitty who had not said one word yet. She looked back at them. There was a moment of silence then Kitty shrunk back in fear. When it was evident that Kitty had nothing to add the belittlement went on.

**Rogue**: "Please, if anyone here craves a pink taco, it's you."

**Storm**: "Yeah, you're so deep in the closet, you're too stupid to find your way out."

**Callisto:** "If anyone's stupid it's your momma for giving birth to you!"

**Storm**: "Don't you bring my momma into this, Low Life!" The air in the arena began to get very cold. Still, the argument was heating up.

**Archlight**: "Your momma is like a bicycle. Everyone gets a ride!"

**Jean**: "Well, your momma is like a doorknob. "Everyone gets a turn!"

**Callisto**: "That was so unoriginal! Yo' momma is so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a tax refund!"

**Rogue**: "Your momma is so ugly she makes onions cry!"

**Archlight**: "Your momma is like a bowling ball: She's picked up, fingered, then thrown in the gutter!"

**Storm**: "Your momma is so fat, last time she wore a Malcolm X shirt I tried to land the X-Jet on her."

**Callisto**: "Your momma is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!"

**Mystique**: "I can see where you get your figure, Stormy. Your mom must have taken the thunder and put them in your thighs."

**Storm**: "I am not fat! You hos are so mean!"

**Rogue**: "You're not fat, Storm." Rogue said trying to calm Storm down. The cold in the room was suddenly chillier. Everyone noted it.

**Mystique**: "See her make a pass at her teacher? Remember, she has to settle with girls since she can't turn her gay boyfriend on."

**Rogue**: "Shut up, Raven!" Rogue spat out her slave name. "At least my boyfriend can get it up, unlike yours!"

**Mystique**: "What the hell, you lying shit! Erik can get it up just fine! I can turn him on whenever I want! You of all people would know that Erik will never ever need Viagra as long as he lives!" There was a moment of silence as Rogue and Mystique sent death glares at each others directions. Storm sidled up next to rogue.

**Storm:** "Why would you know that, Rogue? Is there something you haven't told us?" Rogue shrugged her shoulders.

**Rogue**: "What? I have Magneto's memories."

**Mystique**: "Tell them! Tell everyone why Erik doesn't need Viagra to get it up!" Everyone leaned in closer to Rogue to hear an explanation.

"Uh, Mystique," Magneto started to say from his position on the bleachers, all the men eyeing him in intense curiosity. "Perhaps now is really not the best time to-"

**Mystique**: "No, Erik! Tell them why, Stripe!"

**Rogue**: "Fer cryin' out loud! Magneto can manipulate the iron in his own blood. All he has to do is draw his blood to his you-know-where. Instant erection. Happy? Jeez!" Magneto rolled his eyes and shook his head in humiliation. Was it really necessary that everyone should know that?

**Mystique**: "My Metal Man can bring me to orgasm with a single thought in his head." She said looking towards him with a knowing smile and a loving gaze. Right now it wasn't the first time Magneto wished he had Charles' power so that he could erase that information from everyone's memories. _Of all things holy, was nothing sacred_? Magneto didn't notice the jealous stares he was receiving.

**Rogue**: "I know more about your stupid Erik than you do! He still loves the Professor you know!" Everyone gasped in horror. They all turned to look at Magneto whose eyes were wide in shock, his mouth pursed in guilt. He caught Mystique's eye. She was giving him a say-it-isn't-so look. He shook his head vigorously in denial. That was enough for Mystique.

**Mystique**: "Don't you fucking lie about Erik! I don't tell people about how you cried for your dumbass Wolvie at Liberty Island even though he wants Dr. Dolittle!" She said pointing to Jean. "Or that you play with that white stripe in admiration that _my_ Erik gave _you_ when you think no one is looking! By the way, your stupid Logan will never love you!"

Mystique barely had time to finish her sentence when Rogue sprang at her with her bare hands. Rogue grabbed a hold of Mystiques arm as Callisto and Archlight came to the rescue and tried to pry the girl off of the blue woman. Mystique felt the drain of her powers surge slightly. She bitch slapped Rogue causing a biting sting across her cheek. Storm and Jean were coming up behind Callisto and Archlight to take their friend out of the hands of the enemy when Mystique's slap caused Rogue to let go. Mystique tumbled backwards while the other five tumbled the other way right through Kitty as they fell into a heap. Mystique was breathing hard but mostly just from panic. She didn't want to have been the first one to have her ass kicked by a frickin girl! Rogue got on her feet quickly and began to run around the arena shouting.

"Mystique pretends to be the Professor in bed! Mystique pretends to be the Professor in bed!"

"What the hell? That was only once! For his birthday!" Again, all eyes went to Magneto who held his hand over his eyes and shook his head in mortification. _Will it never end_? Rogue continued shouting. Mystique ran over to her and as Rogue tried to dodge, Mystique grabbed her ponytail and yanked her back. Storm and Jean began to run over to the rescue but Callisto was too fast. She dropped them like bad habits. They tried to get up but Archlight targeted them with her shockwave causing them to fall back to the ground again. On top of being frigid, the air in the arena began to get very windy.

Mystique had Rogue in a bear hug from behind. She squeezed the air out of Rogue then drop kicked her on her knee. Rogue went down, hitting her face into the sand. Mystique walked up to Rogue and kicked her in the stomach. She rolled over in pain but then rolled over again and corrected her control. Rogue swept her foot across Mystique's legs but Mystique reflexively dodged her kick and somersaulted over the girl resulting in a swift side kick across Rogue's head. Rogue went down again into the dirt.

"Damn!" Pyro replied in ghastly amusement. "Them bitches fight dirty!" The X-Men and the Brotherhood were on their feet, hooting and hollering for their women.

"Destroy them!" Beast shouted, his blue fist waving in the air. The men turned to him, surprised by the blue man's usually reserved candor. Beast slowly relaxed his hand and brought it to his side. He shrugged his shoulders, a look of surprise on his own face by his sudden exuberance. It was official. This catfight had everyone enthralled.

Rogue tried to get up again but Mystique was busy mocking her and pushing her back down like a bully on the playground.

"Don't you ever say a word about Erik! I'll kick your ass from here to Sunday, Stripe!" Defiantly Rogue was able to get her head out of the dirt and yell loudly enough for everyone to hear.

"Mystique pokes holes in Erik's condoms!" Mystique went wide eyed and quickly looked over to Magneto who had the same shocked expression on his face. She shook her head in refutation.

"Sweetheart, she's lying!" She yelled to him. He gave her a skeptical look. Mystique hardly had time to register his unconvinced look when she felt a kick to her stomach knock her backwards causing her to fall to the ground.

While Rogue and Mystique duked it out, Storm and Jean were having problems of their own with the goth twins. Archlight sent another shockwave to the two downed X-Men but Storm sent a blast of wind to counterattack the force. The result was a small cyclone that swept Callisto up into the air twenty feet before she came crashing down to the ground.

While Archlight went to go catch Callisto, Jean used her telekinesis to push Archlight all the way back into the broken piles of bleachers Wolverine and Juggernaut had broken earlier. Archlight fell into the metallic mess. Her body momentarily disappeared as she became surrounded by the piles of broken bleachers but then a loud sound came from within and the metal went flying into Jeans direction as the shockwaves hurled them towards her. Jean deflected most of them but was then struck in the leg by a sharp piece. She fell backwards, blood began to flow out of her wound.

Scott was ready to jump up to the rescue but Jamie multiplied himself and held him back. He gave Scott a wink as he kept his arms threaded through Cyclops'. At this point all the men were jumping up and down entertainingly, extremely intrigued by the giant catfight before them. The only thing missing from this scene was Jerry Springer.

As Jean pulled the metal shard from her leg, Archlight ran towards her releasing little shockwaves at her as a distraction. Jean held her hand up and caused the waves to stop but was unable to propel them back towards Archlight. She got up just as Archlight was about to unleash a large wave upon her from only ten feet away but Jean jumped in front of her and held her hands away from each other. Archlight and Jean struggled violently, they began slapping and kicking each other in comical form. Archlight grabbed Jean's hair and began to pull. Jeans head went to the side; a pained expression clouded her face. She reached up and clawed at Archlights face resulting in a large scratch that drew blood from her cheek.

"Ow!" Archlight flew backwards and held her face. "Look what you did to my beautiful face!" Archlight targeted Jean and sent a powerful shockwave towards her. Jean held her hand up and forced Archlight backwards. They both went flying opposite each other.

Callisto had come tumbling back to the ground and was currently lying painfully on the dirt floor. She heard Storm walk up to her. She looked up into her cloudy white eyes, her head bent to the side like she was deep in concentration. A loud thunderous boom was heard and Callisto quickly rolled to the side as a bolt of lightening struck the ground where she had just been. Callisto zipped over to Storm and hit her hard across the face. Storm's head turned forcefully to the side. She looked over and spotted Callisto over on the other side of the arena. She shot a few more lightening bolts in her direction but Callisto was quicker than lightening. She dodged them all and Storm felt another punch to her face even though she never saw it coming. Storm brought a forceful wind to her and she carried herself towards Callisto like a tornado. Callisto went in for another strike but Storm's powerful twister was not too easy to deflect. Callisto felt a kick across her face and she went sprawling to the floor but before Storm could kick her while she was down Callisto zipped back up and as Storm came in with another twister kick Callisto ducked. Storm landed on the ground and Callisto zoomed over to her and kidney punched her from behind. Storm fell in pain, Callisto got on top of her and started pulling her hair causing Storm to cry out. She commanded a gust of wind to propel Callisto off her and then she raised her body into the air. From above she spotted Callisto and started shooting more bolts of lightening at her. Callisto dodged them all but could do nothing other than that. She continued to dodge Storms bolts hoping she would come back down to the ground soon.

Rogue and Mystique were still at each other's throats. Rogue had been able to kick Mystique in her moment of distraction. Telling Magneto Mystique had poked holes in his condoms had been a lie but it had also momentarily sidetracked the shapeshifter giving Rogue enough time to drive a swift kick into her stomach. Mystique fell to the ground on to her back. Rogue ran at her with arms outstretched, ready to drain the blue woman of her powers. As she approached Mystique shot her foot out into Rogue and swept her over her head causing her to go flying a couple of feet away. But Rogue was young and well trained. She got up quickly as did Mystique and they came at each other like ferocious tigers. Rogue tried desperately to grab Mystique's bare skin but Mystique held her wrists and would not allow it. They struggled as Rogue consistently tried to brush the skin of her face or hands against Mystique. They fell to the ground in their scuffles and wrestled in the dirt.

Jean and Archlight had ended up on opposite sides of the arena after their powers had swept the other away. Callisto signaled to Archlight as the former was still trying to dodge Storm's lightening and the latter was brushing the dirt off her jacket.

"Archlight! Bring the Weather Witch down!" Callisto yelled repeatedly as she zipped around the room. Archlight looked and saw Storm up above. She ran closer to Storm then brought her hands out, ready to send a wave upwards. Jean saw her and started running towards her intent on deflecting the wave. Callisto noticed Jean and whizzed over to her but Jean realized she had been seen by Callisto and she used her powers to keep Callisto away from her as she ran towards Archlight. Jean almost reached Archlight when a thunderous clap was sent skyward and the resonating sound wave scattered Storm's winds and sent the woman sailing below.

As Storm fell Jean reached Archlight and tackled her too little too late. Callisto came running up to help her friend and tried to get Jean off Archlight. It was then that the wrestling match between Rogue and Mystique collided violently against the three combatants and as added salt to the wound Storm fell right into the pile of kicks, punches and screams. The result was a monstrous mess of biting, clawing and shrieking as the X-Women tried to fend off the Sisterhood.

Meanwhile, Kitty, who had done nothing at this point, inched closer to the clash of powers, their fighting looking like a Looney Tunes cartoon as the disturbed dirt around the women swirled in the air causing the fight to turn into cloudy chaos.

"Do something!" All the X-Men shouted to Kitty. She looked back at them as they urged her forward. She took a deep breath, then ran towards the fight that was hardly visible because of all the dust. Kitty made sure she was phased out. She had no plans to do any harm or be harmed.

Deep in the fight Rogue had lost Mystique but grasped someone's leg and felt her powers and memories enter her mind. The woman felt it too and began to panic.

"Get her off me! Get her the hell off me!" Callisto screamed. Archlight sensed the danger in Callisto's voice.

The X-Men and the Brotherhood watched in intense trepidation as the dirt cloud shielded all the fighting from their view. They were all stunned when a deafening clap was heard and five women went flying into the air, all in different directions. The shock wave dispersed the dust like an internal explosion that seeps in then clears everything in its path forcefully away as an after blast. The men felt the aftershocks where they sat on the bleachers. In the middle of the arena stood Archlight, her hands held together as if in prayer. Jean, Mystique, Rogue, Callisto and Storm all flew out in a twenty foot radius and landed to the ground with loud thumps.

As the five lay there in pain Archlight saw Kitty who had been closer to the fight than anyone had realized. Archlight sent a shockwave towards Kitty but it went through her. She sent another one but her waves were ineffective against the girl. Kitty suddenly felt brave. She ran up to Archlight and as she approached, Archlight backed away but continued firing off shockwaves anyhow. When she was just in front of her Archlight threw a punch at Kitty but she hit the air through her. Kitty phased through Archlight and ended up behind her. She grabbed her jacket and pulled with all her might causing Archlight to fall to the ground. Archlight looked at her with anger and confusion. It was pointless to try to stop a girl who could not be hurt by her power. She got up and started to run away but Kitty's new found strength caused her to bravely pull at the woman's jacket again and brought her down to eat dirt. Kitty did this repeatedly because it was the only thing she knew to do. Archlight decided to stay on the ground but was now crawling her way to safety. She couldn't believe she had been diminished to this state by such a useless mutant.

"Go Shadowcat!" The X-Men yelled to her. "Kick her while she's down!" Kitty was feeling daring because of the sudden praise. She kicked Archlight in the tummy. Archlight yelled in pain and looked up at her with ire.

"Get up, stupid!" Kitty yelled although her shaking voice betrayed her fierce façade. From one of the corners of the arena Callisto saw the demise of her fellow mutant. She got up and ran towards Kitty. She waited for the point when Kitty was about to dig another kick into Archlight and then she threw a forceful elbow into the side of Kitty's head knocking her off guard. Kitty immediately fell to the ground phased mentally but un-phased physically. In a wrestling move she saw on TV, Callisto leaped into the air then brought her entire body crashing onto Kitty's in a crushing blow. The air was knocked out of Kitty as was her consciousness. All the men from the bleachers stood up in shock. A mixture of concern and awe in their faces.

Shadowcat – Seventh place

"You've been X-terminated, Scaredy-Cat!" Callisto said standing up. She nudged Kitty's body but the girl didn't move, too deep in La-La land to feel it. The Brotherhood cheered while the X-Men booed. Nightcrawler teleported over to Kitty, grabbed her, then teleported back to the bleachers with the unconscious girl in his arms.

It was then that the other women were getting up from off the ground in their corners of the arena. Rogue was the first to act.

"Callisto! You bitch! You didn't have to be so mean!"

"What are you going to do about it? Think you can touch me to death? You'll have to catch me!" Callisto said from where she stood in the middle of the arena. At the end of her sentence she had zipped to four different spots as she taunted Rogue. Rogue hadn't been able to hold onto Callisto's leg long enough to gain her power, but she was able to grab a few memories of hers. From the top of her lungs Rogue shouted to everyone in the arena.

"Callisto has a girl crush on Angelina Jolie!" Callisto's jaw dropped in extreme surprise.

"What the hell? I'm not gay!"

"I didn't say you were gay. I said you have a girl crush on Angelina Jolie!" Rogue yelled the last sentence again.

"Shut the hell up!" Callisto said, her fists tightening irately. "That was only in the Tomb Raider movies!"

"Callisto used to practice French kissing on her brother!"

"Dammit, Dixie Whore, I was ten years old! We were kids!"

"When Callisto was eighteen she let a friend of hers drive her to the local putt-putt place where he asked her to-" Rogue felt a swift punch cross painfully across her face, her sentence left forgotten in the air.

"Think you know everything, ho?" Another punch, this time to the tummy caused Rogue to double over. Callisto went to jab her elbow into the side of her head when Jean held her hand out and sent some of the nearby metal from the broken bleachers into Callisto. The metal punctured her arm and Callisto yelled in surprise and pain.

Mystique heard Callisto yell and she got up off the ground and ran to the source of Callisto's pain. From behind Mystique placed a kick into Jean and sent her sprawling. Archlight came over to Callisto and tried to take the metal shard out of her leg when she felt Rogue grab her by the arm and begin to drain her of her powers.

"She's got me! She's got me!" Archlight yelled in panic as most people who find themselves under Rogue's power generally tend to do kind of like someone finding a snake wrapping itself around your leg. Very frightening. Callisto kicked Rogue in the stomach making her rear up and tumble backwards, her hold on Archlight gone but a few more memories taken. Rogue recovered before she found herself in the dirt again. She looked at Archlight and gave a mean smile.

"Archlight paid a guy to help her lose her virginity last year!" All the men looked at each other and laughed. There were a lot of hushed whispering after that.

"Augh!" Archlight yelled in shock. That was certainly something she wanted kept to herself for the rest of her life. "You are such a bitch!" Archlight took after Rogue but the younger girl was faster. As Archlight chased her, Rogue continued shouting.

"Archlight has an autograph picture of Fabio she kisses every night!" Archlight was filled with murderous rage. She leaped at Rogue but the girl dodged the flying woman and Archlight fell onto the ground. Rogue ran off laughing. Archlight got up, targeted the running Rogue and clapped her hands as she followed her with her gaze. The wave traveled swiftly across the arena, coming to Rogue and knocking her over as she fell face forward into the dirt.

From the middle of the room, Mystique was busy kicking Jean Grey's ass. Physically Jean was no where near a match for Mystique. Once Mystique had kicked Jean to the ground from behind there was no way she could regain her bearings as Mystique laid into her with more thrusts of her powerful fists. Mystique was a fighter, there was no doubt about that.

Storm saw that Jean was in trouble. She unleashed a wind that swept over to the middle of the arena and sent Mystique careening back, landing on the ground a few feet away.

It was then that Jean was able to see Archlight in front of her. Archlight was running towards Rogue and was about to unleash a barrage of shockwaves when Jean got up and used her powers to cause the shockwaves to hurtle towards Callisto who stood across the arena from Jean.

Callisto saw Jean motion with her hands, her eyes on Callisto, and she immediately knew what the telekinetic had planned. Callisto quickly whooshed away before the shockwaves hit the metallic walls with a deep resonating steel sound.

Archlight, realizing that her waves were being deflected, turned to Jean with anger. Jean tightened her leather clad fists and squared her shoulders. The two glared at each other with hate. They had been brawling continually since the catfight had started, their powers almost equally matched. There was a moment as everyone in the room stopped to watch the two, the tension between them unbearably thick. Archlight tensed up, then began to sprint towards Jean as fast as she could. Jean sprinted towards Archlight, her face contorted in a mask of rage. They both emitted yells as they both raised their hands to unleash the strengths of their powers. They were mere feet away from each other when the strength of their powers launched the other skywards with amazing force. Both Jean and Archlight went sailing backwards. It was clear that they were both already unconscious by the strike of the other's power. It was only salt to the wound that they both hit the opposite walls of the arena (which were at least three hundred feet away) and came sliding down, their slackened bodies lay on the ground lifeless.

"Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" All the men echoed as they watched the two women get knocked out of the fight. Nightcrawler went to go retrieve Jean's unconscious body as Jamie multiplied himself three copies and went to go get Archlight. Both were brought back to the bleachers as Iceman and Pyro created water for them by heating Bobby's ice.

Jean Gray – Tied: Fifth place

Archlight – Tied: Fifth place

And then there were four. Rogue, Mystique, Storm and Callisto all glanced at each other before suddenly rising back into their catfight. When Mystique had been hurled away by Storm's drafts, it brought up an intense anger in her. Mystique ran towards Storm and plowed her shoulder into her chest as she tackled her onto the ground.

Rogue went to go rescue Storm but Callisto zipped in front of her and took her down with a sweep of her foot. Rogue got up, pissed off that she kept finding herself on the ground. She tried to catch Callisto but the woman was quick. Rogue took a deep breath and shouted as loud as she could.

"Callisto played with herself in the shower this morning!" Callisto stopped in front of Rogue. She was fuming, her words coming out in gritted teeth.

"I did not you little liar!"

"I know." Rogue grabbed Callisto's earrings and yanked them off. Callisto wailed in pain but only for a short moment as Rogue took her out with punch to the stomach. Callisto doubled over and Rogue dropped her elbow hard onto the back of her head.

Callisto – Fourth place

"Jaime! You might want to come get her!" Rogue shouted mockingly as she looked towards Storm and Mystique. Storm was on the losing side of the battle. Already she was starting to look weakend by the constant flurries of swift tae kwon do moves Mystique expelled upon her. Rogue ran up to Mystique and kicked her on the side of her body away from Storm. Mystique stumbled backwards but was too tough to be brought down again. Storm managed to get up from off the ground. She was battered and bruised but still in the fight.

"Ready?" Rogue asked her.

"Let's take down Magneto's bitch." Storm replied. They came at Mystique who was more than ready for them both. She leaped into the air and brought her feet out in front of her so that the two X-Women practically ran into her kicks. Mystique landed on her back but rolled backwards, never losing control of the situation. She was up on her feet in time to see the two X-Women fall flat on their backs. Their groans of pain emitting from their throats.

Mystique quickly took Storm's shape while neither of them were looking. She went to Storm's lying form and dragged her into a standing position.

"What the hell?" Storm said seeing Mystique for the first time.

"What the hell?" Mystique imitated.

Rogue sat up and then realized what Mystique had done. Rogue had no idea which one was the real Storm.

"Uh, Storm?"

"Yes?" They both said. "You're not me!" Again, Mystique echoed Storm making it impossible to tell which one was the real Ororo Munroe.

"What grade did I get on my last paper?"

"B plus." Said the Storm on the right. Rogue attacked the Storm on the left. Although she had been caught Mystique did not drop her disguise. She quickly dodged Rogue's quick punch and sent Rogue flying backwards with a swift counter punch into the girl's kidney. As Rogue went down Mystique grabbed Storm's cape and then brought her towards her where Mystique placed a hold around Storm in a tight embrace.

Rogue got up off the ground and saw the struggle between the two Storms. Rogue guessed correctly which was Mystique and she ran over to her and leaped in the air with leg extended prepared to break Mystique's spine. Mystique had heard Rogue coming. Just as she figured Rogue was about to lay a powerful kick into her, Mystique turned Storm and herself around so that Rogue's was caught flying towards Storm. In mid air Rogue realized her mistake but it was too late to change it as she felt her foot drive deep into Storm's chest. The impact sent them all to the ground but Mystique got up and watched as Rogue went to Storm in horror.

"I'm so sorry, Storm!" But Storm couldn't hear her. She was out like a light. Kurt poofed over to Storm, collected her sadly in his arms, and poofed back to the bleachers where he cradled her body, dressed her wounds and fed her water.

Storm – Third place

And then there were two. Rogue glared at Mystique evilly but Mystique held only an amused smile on her face as she changed back to her original form.

"Smooth move, Exlax." Mystique said condescendingly. Rogue was extremely pissed off. She was determined to beat the shit out of Mystique if it was the last thing she ever did.

"I know it was you who tricked me into going to the train station." Rogue said. Mystique cocked her head to the side, a pitiful smile on her lips.

"Oh, did you just figure that out today after you took my memories? My, you're much dumber than I thought. How can Charles possibly call himself a professor?"

"Don't talk about the Professor that way! He's a much better leader than Magneto ever will be." The tension between them was palpable. Their words came out emphatically, their syllables stressed to the highest degree.

"Do you hear yourself? You actually believe that pacifist?"

"Yes! How can you possibly stand by a terrorist?"

"Your precious Professor once did."

"Well, your precious Erik is still in love with him." Mystique finally let her anger show.

"You lie. You've lied all day! Erik loves me!"

"I didn't lie about that. When did you ever visit Erik in prison?"

"How could I! What could I have done?"

"Well, while you did nothing, Erik was enjoying the Professor's company." Out of pure rage Mystique sprang at Rogue.

"Erik loves me! We're in love!" Mystique shouted contemptibly. Mystique threw everything she had at Rogue. Although Rogue was blocking fairly effectively she was aware that Mystique was bound to get her at some point. Mystique continued attacking Rogue, backing her away from the crowd that was straining to see the fight from the bleachers.

"He doesn't love you!" Rogue shouted. "He never has!" This increased Mystique's wrath. She swiftly side kicked and finally connected to Rogue's vulnerable spots. Mystique kicked Rogue's shin hard enough to make her stagger and then she plowed a right hook into Rogue that sent her sprawling.

Mystique changed into Rogue.

"I saw Logan kiss Jean in the forest near Alkali Lake." Mystique said in Rogue's voice. "At least I have Erik. You can't even get close to that beast." Rogue got up in a frenzy. She flew at Mystique but Mystique side stepped and tripped Rogue. Laughing she waited for Rogue to make another move. When she did Mystique tripped her again and laughed some more. The group from the bleachers were seeing double. The two were far enough away so that some of them already forgot which one was which.

Rogue got up and started taking her outfit off, baring as much skin as possible. Mystique frowned, knowing this was going to get more difficult. Rogue was in her white cotton shirt and blue panties, posed and ready to duke it out again.

"All right, you pathetic clown!" Rogue shouted at her. "I'm ready for you!" Mystique glared hard at her then morphed into the new Rogue. The crowd at the bleachers groaned knowing they would most likely lose their ability to distinguish between the two. Rogue came at Mystique, trying to get her into a bear hug. Mystique repeatedly slapped Rogue's hands away and knocked her to the ground as often as possible though it was getting harder to repel her attacks. Rogue was determined to win, Mystique could see it in her eyes.

Rogue leaped at Mystique and as her hands were slapped away, rogue tumbled onto Mystique causing them both to fall backwards, Rogue on top of her. Mystique felt the pull of Rogues skin contact and she jumped up quickly before Rogue could catch her. The view of the two scantily clad Rogues was causing a lot of heat for many of the guys. Pyro and Bobby refused to stand up and cheer for Rogue. They simply shouted positive remarks from where they sat.

Rogue got up and returned to her attempts to take out Mystique but the blue woman danced around her in stunning displays of tae kwon do moves. She was hard to catch. In fact the only person really to have ever caught her was Erik and that was by entirely different methods.

Again, Rogue was able to knock Mystique down and she grabbed onto her tightly once she did. They wrestled on the ground and Mystique could feel the pull become stronger the more contact Rogue made. Mystique threw a hard punch at Rogue and caught her under the chin. Rogue's head went back and she fell backwards but was able to keep conscious though she had a killer headache. Mystique got up and motioned for Rogue to try to catch her. At this point, everyone had lost track of which Rogue was which again.

The two Rogues duked it out, each one throwing and taking punches till they were both bleeding and looking worn out. This continued while the screams and shouts from the sidelines generated an excited buzz over the completion of the fight. The speculation of the outcome was killing them. Rogue continued to slay Rogue, the other one was getting in a few forceful punches to the other. It looked like a fight to the death as they threw kick after kick and punch after punch, both of them now connecting to the other frequently. It was like watching a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots match.

Rogue wound her fist back and hurled it at Rogue, only to have Rogue duck and heave a final uppercut up under Rogue's jaw causing Rogues head to snap backwards. Rogue and the others on the bench watched in what felt like slow motion as Rogue went sprawling backwards, collapsing onto the ground behind her in a cloud of dust.

The entire arena was heavy with the solid silence that followed. Everyone looked on as Rogue stumbled over to the downed rogue and lightly kicked her in the side. Downed Rogue didn't budge. Who had won? No one knew. They watched in complete silence and anticipation as Rogue stumbled over to the people on the bleachers. Blood was trickling down her face. Bruises were beginning to form on her body. She made her way to them, never giving them any hint as to if she was Rogue or Mystique. She walked over to Logan…and stood before him, a slight smile on her face. Logan breathed out heavily. He was still under Magneto's control and was not able to stand up and take her but he closed his eyes as she reached out for him, ready to heal her with the pull of her powers. He had not expected the biting slap across his face. He opened his eyes quickly, already showing anger in the dark brown orbs.

"That's for stabbing me at Liberty Island." The Brotherhood rose up in a deafening cheer as Mystique changed back into her normal form and went to Magneto who embraced her in a victory kiss.

"What is going on here!" Everyone looked up suddenly as a deep voice rang out at the entrance to the room. At the top of the stairs was Professor Xavier in his immaculately fine clothes and Warren behind him pushing his wheelchair. Nobody moved or said anything for a while, all feeling like children caught doing something bad. Magneto was the first to speak up.

"Charles! How good it is to see you!" Erik felt Mystique circle her arms tighter around his waist. He noticed her gaze towards Charles was not very welcoming.

"As it is you, Erik. But please inform me of this commotion I heard all the way from outside." He said in all his politeness. He looked and saw that all the women except for Mystique was lying unconscious on the bleachers. He glanced towards the arena and gasped.

"What is Rogue doing out there unconscious and indecently exposed! Someone go get her!" Kurt teleported over to her, picked her up, grabbed her clothes then teleported her back to Bobby and Pyro who immediately tried to put her clothes on, though it was difficult. Kinda like dressing a giant Barbie Doll.

"Wolverine, go heal her." Magneto released Wolverine who gave him a gruff glance then went to Rogue's side. "Erik, you have a lot of explaining to do, old friend."

"I believe it is you who has the explaining to do, Charles." Magneto smiled up at the Professor. "Old friend."

Winner: Mystique – but she's the Boss's girl. She's always a winner.

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**Final Score**:

X-Men - 6

Brotherhood - 7

Draws - 2

Don't try to correct my math. I did it on purpose. The women in this catfight count individually and since four X-men and two "Brothers" went down I just added those to the numbers.

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**Author's notes**: Damn! This was a hard chapter to write. I hope it was to everyone's liking. I tried to involve humor and action and the result was what you just read. How was it?

Did you enjoy this chapter? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Was the winner who you thought it would be? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

**To everyone who reviewed last chapter**: Thank you thank you thank you thank you….

**X-Men fan**: Sorry, Rogue didn't win but she did come in second.

**00mrdragon00**: I wanted so badly to write the Professor into this scene but I figured he never would have allowed the catfight to happen so I had to make him enter afterwards. I promise there will be lots of Charles in the next chapter. In fact its mostly about him.

**AngelofSnow**: You're my favorite reviewer obviously! I'm awaiting your next chapter to _Healing_ with crazy anticipation! Thanks so much for improving my latest chapter. The story would have been dull without you.

**The 42**: Glad you liked my fic! Broken ankle! That totally blows! Hope this makes the time pass by quicker.

**Frankie**: Haha! You make me laugh! More Prof X to come. Admittedly I was laughing when I wrote the Juggernaut+Mystique 4 EVA bit. Sometimes I crack me up.

**Shy FX**: Thanks for reviewing! Yay! You putting me in your favorites made my day! I hope this latest chapter makes yours!

**Next chapter**: Professor Xavier! Finally, he gets to be involved in the story. Lot's of making up and plenty of making out. Plus, why did the X-Men invade Magneto's fortress island? We'll find out next time!


	7. The Epilogue

Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

**Warning**! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

**Double Warning!** Also, this chapter turned out extremely cheesy and ludicrously biased. I frickin love Magneto and this chapter proves it. The end of this fic turns into a mush story. It just kind of made itself that way.

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Let's recap.

The ultimate catfight brought on an excess of slandering and an overabundance of serious kick ass brutality. No one came out of that one unscathed although Mystique was declared the victor. The one true person who could be labeled a cat in this catfight was Shadowcat. Funny, she came in last place. But Storm (who played Catwoman in another movie) came in third. She was so close! Oh well, there will probably be a next time.

And now Professor Xavier has finally made his entrance. He looks pretty schnazzy in his three piece suit but there's a glint in his eye, like he's got something on his mind. Hmmm…wonder what it could be?

But, hey…was invading the island worth the X-Men's time?

**Final Score**:

X-Men – 6

Brotherhood – 7

Draws – 2

Nope. It sure wasn't. Or was it…?

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Professor Xavier looked on the group before him. Rogue was up and about with the aid of Wolverine's healing capabilities. Jean had been revived by Scott's kiss of life. Callisto was always fast to recover from anything. Archlight hadn't been hurt too badly but just enough to leave her dazed for a while. Storm only had to be taken outside where the weather renewed her strength. And Kitty…well, she had suddenly recovered all her own. It was suspected she had faked unconsciousness in order to get out of the catfight. Go figure.

As for the men, some of them looked a little injured. Juggernaut looked the worse out of all of them but he was one to admire his wounds and he only held his head up higher in pride. Beast, Nightcrawler, Multiple Man, Pyro, Iceman, Wolverine, Colossus, Sabertooth, Quill and Toad had a few bruises or a black eye but for the most part they were just fine. Cyclops was also all right although he was still wearing Jeans long coat which showed off his sexy legs and made him look hilariously feminine. Scott kept catching Jaime staring at his shapely calves.

"My, Erik, it looks as though we find ourselves in quite a predicament."

"Yes, Charles, but I would be more apt to believe your actions put us here." Charles laughed and shook his head. Despite the circumstances Erik was obviously glad to see his old friend and he gave him a bright grin. Mystique immediately felt worried, an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach began to grow.

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Magneto, ever the proper host, led his minions and his guests into the part of the fortress that survived the X-Men's invasion. The large drawing room was actually the last room in the main hall where the refectory was but it had been left untouched by Scott and Multiple Man's crazy encounter that had occurred only two hours earlier.

"Make yourselves comfortable. Callisto, please retrieve a few bottles of the pinot noir." Before she could zoom off Magneto whispered in her ear. "The cheap ones." She gave him a nod and a knowing look then sped away only to come back with four bottles in her arms 3.576 seconds later.

Even though the drawing room was vast it still didn't seem big enough to hold the two rivaling parties. There was a moment of awkwardness as everyone tried to relax. Letting their guards down was the hardest part. The Brotherhood, being more comfortable in their own home, sat themselves on the left side of the room and started to display the usual informalities. It took the X-Men more time (and mental coaxing from the Professor) to reciprocate. The only sound was the shuffling of feet as the X-Men and the Brotherhood silently watched each other as they sat on their respective sides of the room.

"Jaime, please see to our guests." Magneto said. Jaime made three copies of himself then began to pour the four bottles of wine into empty wine glasses and then distribute them. Pyro eagerly took the glass Jaime gave him.

"No, Pyro, pass that over to Archlight. I'm afraid the wine will not be made available to you."

"Why? You've let me drink wine before."

"Yes, but you are in the presence of Rogue and Iceman who, undoubtedly, Charles will not allow the same pleasure. Be considerate and sit this one out." Pyro made a pouting face and gave the glass to Archlight beside him who looked like she needed some alcohol right about now.

"Now then, has everyone made themselves comfortable?" They all looked at each other. Clearly none of them were comfortable at all. Magneto apparently didn't notice. "Good! Let's begin by emptying our pockets." All the X-Men looked at Magneto wide eyed then looked at each other in confusion. They then looked to Xavier for help.

"There will be no need of that, Erik." Charles said. All the X-Men let out a sigh of relief. "It was Kurt." Again, the X-Men went wide eyed in surprise and everyone in the room turned their heads to look at Kurt in curiosity. The blue mutant ducked his head and looked everywhere around the room, trying to avoid eye contact. "Kurt, I believe you have something that belongs to my old friend here." Kurt felt extremely sheepish, not to mention highly embarrassed. He looked at Magneto who was giving him a give-it-back-or-deal-with-my-wrath glare. Rather than walking over to him he poofed out only to poof back in right next to Magneto.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to take it." Nightcrawler said in his heavy accent, holding the thick book out to him. Magneto wanted to point out that if he didn't mean to take it then how did it end up in his possession? Instead he merely took his book from Nightcrawler's hand, feeling the horror that he had lost it forever subside.

"Apology accepted. Who helped create that monstrous catastrophe?" Kurt pointed at Archlight.

"It vas her." Archlight was in mid sip when she was accused. She feigned surprise.

"What? Did what?" Magneto looked to Charles who nodded his head, then he looked back to Archlight.

"You forget you are in the presence of a telepath. Now both of you go clean up my library." Both of their faces dropped. They had the same simultaneous thought. _That'll take all day_. Charles silently laughed to himself. Kurt went over to Archlight who looked at him with horror when he wrapped his arms around her and then they disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke.

"Don't tell me you're gonna make us fix those holes down in the arena next, are ya?" Wolverine stated mockingly. Magneto snorted.

"Need I remind you I can easily fix everything you damaged down in the arena personally. However, dinner will not make itself. Because of your disruptive behaviors, you, Colossus and Juggernaut will head down to the kitchen and begin preparations."

"You're gonna make us do women's work? That bucket must be a tight fit on yer head." Magneto gave Wolverine a degrading look.

"Wolverine, it would probably be best if you didn't argue with me."

"Uh, boss, I don't cook so good…" Juggernaut started to say.

"Please, Cain, I saw you work the grill expertly on the fourth of July. Surely you could do something along those lines." Magneto's praise made Juggernaut beam underneath that large, ridiculous helmet.

"Still, I'm not going to be punished for something this lugnut did on his own. I didn't make the holes, bub." Wolverine said stressing his pronouns.

"I don't mind cooking. I make a mean potato salad." Colossus said. Wolverine rolled his eyes at Colossus.

"Well, yer going to have to make me do it!" Everyone but the Professor and Magneto stepped back with alarm as Wolverine's metal claws came shooting out of his knuckles. Magneto shook his head.

"When will you ever learn?" He lifted his hand, more as an illustration, as he lifted Logan with his magnetic power. "Colossus, please take this pussycat into the kitchen. Juggernaut will lead the way. And do not forget, Wolverine, that your adamantium is like a giant tracking system for my unique senses. I know where you are at all times." With that Magneto clenched his fist and Wolverine balled up, looking like a fetus in the womb. Magneto set Wolverine down on the ground and Colossus rolled Logan out of the room towards the kitchen. Secretly Colossus was glad because even though he was very strong the adamantium on Wolverine's bones weighed a ton and Colossus didn't want to have had to carry him.

"Now then…" Magneto turned his attention back to the group. With the exception of the Professor they all snapped their heads back at Magneto in fear that he would assign them to an arduous chore next. "Who's up for a game of Scrabble?"

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While Wolverine, Colossus and Juggernaut yelled at each other about who would get to lick the remnants of the cake mix bowl, Archlight and Nightcrawler were actually making progress in Magneto's library. They told Callisto that they would put in a lot of good words for her with Magneto if she would just help them piece together most of the books. Callisto's quick speed and Nightcrawler's ability to put the books in their proper places on the shelves made the daunting task much more expedient. Unfortunately Archlight had no real contribution of her own. They made her alphabetize the books before Nightcrawler shelved them. However, Archlight wasn't a very good reader…

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The three metal men really didn't know all that much about cooking so they were taking a while although Logan found that his claws came in quite handy when handling hot items. The others had to figure out a way to pass the time…

Game 1: Charades – The X-Men vs. The Brotherhood

Since a few of their team members were out, the X-Men and the Brotherhood had to make do with the people they had left. On the X-Men team was Professor X, Storm, Jean, Scott, Bobby, Rogue, Hank, Angel and Kitty. The Brotherhood had only Magneto, Mystique, Multiple Man, Quill, Pyro, Toad, and Sabertooth. The game only lasted twenty minutes before the Brotherhood gave up. The X-Men have _two_ telepaths. How was that fair?

Winner: The X-Men

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Game 2: Clue – Mystique vs. Beast vs. Pyro vs. Scott

Professor X and Jean were barred from this game. Scott seemed to have problems understanding how to play. Mystique didn't pay attention unless it was her turn and she often bugged the other three about how much time they were taking. Pyro just wouldn't take it seriously.

"I know who it was." Pyro stated the very first time it was his turn. They all shot him skeptical looks. "It was Nightcrawler, in the library, with the Kama Sutra book." Shaking of heads and mumbles of "idiocy" and "moron" could barely be heard over the roar of the intense game of Outburst across the room. In the end it was Beasts ludicrously accurate deduction skills that rewarded him first place.

Winner: Beast

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Game 3: Outburst – Storm, Rogue, Bobby, Angel, Kitty vs. Magneto, Toad, Sabertooth, Jamie, Quill

Again, Professor X and Jean were barred from this game giving the Brotherhood a huge advantage. Magneto's age and education made him an indomitable force to contend with but Storm and the kids were able to hold their own by drawing lists entitled: "Planets of the Solar System" and "Disney Characters" and also "Ten bathroom words for children."

"Poop!"

"Number two!"

"Ca-ca!"

"Brownies!"

"Shit!"

"I highly doubt parents would condone, much less teach their children to use the phrase 'shit' in replacement of a bathroom word, Kitty." Magneto said clicking the score tab for Storm's "Number two." Everyone looked at each other and snickered upon hearing Magneto utter the "s" word.

While Magneto would state his answers the rest tended to yell them out five or six times consecutively. In the end Magneto brought his team to victory, but at the expense of a developing headache.

Winner: The Brotherhood

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Game 4: Trivial Pursuit –

Bobby, Rogue, Angel and Kitty

Vs.

Professor X

Vs.

Scott and Jean

Vs.

Magneto and Mystique

Vs.

Jamie, Toad and Quill

Vs.

Beast and Storm

The game of trivial pursuit proved to be an intense one. Professor X and Jean promised not to use telepathy because they were bored of watching the others play. Some of them formed teams because they figured their combined intelligence would equal that of the Professor's but Charles had been around for a while and he did live in a school. Magneto was equally as smart as Charles but he and Mystique paired up because she insisted. It wasn't until he felt her massaging his thigh under the table that he realized why she wanted to sit so close to him.

Bobby, Rogue, Angel and Kitty needed all the help they could get. Throughout the game they never got a question correct. It was clear the match settled on the knowledge of The Professor, Magneto and Beast as they went around the board gathering pieces for their pies. They sweeped the board when it came to subjects like: People and Places, Arts and Literature, Science and Nature, and History. It was the Pop Culture and Sports and Leisure categories that were killing them. Luckily Beast had Storm to answer the Pop Culture questions and Mystique was surprisingly well versed in sports. Poor Professor X had a problem since he had no other help to lean to. Finally it was a question regarding the only "sport" Beast knew that led him and Storm to victory. Thank god for questions about women's figure skating.

Winner: Beast and Storm

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Game 5: Dance Dance Revolution 

Luckily there was a huge plasma television set on the wall at the far end of the room. Pyro grabbed the Playstation 2 and a few dance pads from the commons room and set it up so that everyone could showcase their moves. This was one game The Professor and Magneto sat out but everyone else including Jean and Beast wanted to get into. The kids were more apt at this Playstation game as two people squared off, the winner getting to stay and contend against another player who got to choose the song coming in. Rogue was noticeably the best at this game although Toad was much faster and coordinated than anyone had realized. The two often found themselves at odds as their levels of play increased.

"What's going on here? A DDR party?" Callisto said coming in from finishing her chores. Nightcrawler poofed back in immediately but Archlight had to walk and she grumbled to herself the entire way back to the drawing room, which took her a good ten minutes seeing as the library was all the way on the east side of the fortress.

Nightcrawler was quite good at the game as well although Callisto cleaned up the floor. Her speed was the ultimate asset for DDR and she kicked Rogue and Toad's ass from here to Taiwan. It wasn't until Rogue noticed that the slower songs threw off Callisto's groove allowing her a handicap to play with. Still, Callisto soon found her rhythm making her a solid player and the Ultimate Dance Dance Revolution player.

Winner: Callisto

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Wolverine stepped into the drawing room covered in flour, eggs and sugar. Once he came upon the dancing fiends he shook his head and was actually glad he was forced to cook dinner.

"Ya wanna eat or what?" He said before returning to the kitchen. Everyone followed him eagerly as they just now noticed they were starving. When they entered the refectory they noticed that there was a buffet set up on the tables on the left side of the room. It was filled with the only thing the three men knew how to make. Hamburger patties and hotdogs lined the table along with buns, condiments and garnishes and everyone practically ran to it pushing others out of the way to get there first. Before anyone had a chance to dive in they all stopped what they were doing then turned to look at The Professor and Magneto (with Mystique on his arm) as they strode into the room.

"Why, thank you Charles." Magneto said as he led Mystique to the front of the line. "Finally you use your powers for good."

"Sometimes I believe it is too late for our young friends to learn any manners, Erik." Charles said wheeling himself behind them as he kept his mental hold on everyone in the room. Once the senior members took their fill Charles released them all and they dived into the food, bickering and fighting.

"Damn, Logan! These burgers are good!" Bobby said chowing down.

"Thanks, Iceboy. I found that these came in handy for grilling." Wolverine drew out his claws with a loud SKINT that made everyone beside him jump. "Calm down! I'm not gonna fight ya!" He yelled at the Brotherhood across the table.

Magneto allowed a few more bottles of wine to be opened (eight to be exact although he didn't know it) and there was much drinking and rejoicing. Kitty made herself useful by phasing into the wine cellar and taking a cheap red wine and then bringing it back to the kids table which consisted of Bobby, Rogue, Pyro and Angel. The five drank the entire bottle and between the five of them they all actually managed to get buzzed. None of them had a very high tolerance for alcohol. But it was Quill's shenanigans that made the night come alive. Quill happened to know where Sabertooth often stashed a few expensive bottles of bourbon. He grabbed a few and "spiked" the punch, ensuring a delightful evening to come. Everyone noticed the punch tasted a little strange but none of them really heeded any warning signs. Everyone went from buzzed to hammered in a matter of minutes.

As for the leaders, Charles, Erik and Mystique did not partake of the wine but instead shared their own expensive bottle of cabernet sauvignon. They toasted to each other (well, Charles and Mystique toasted to Erik and he toasted to them both in turn) and the rest drank up the cheap merlot on top of the punch.

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The wine had been a bad idea. Hell, the bourbon was probably worse. The X-Men decided to digest the food before leaving and they all retired back into the large drawing room where Professor Xavier was witness to the entire nights events.

With the exception of the three senior members, the wine had made everyone a little loopy and the punch had sealed everyone's drunken fate. Most of them had lost their inhibitions. All of them wound up doing something they may regret later on down the road.

Charles noticed that it had all started with the Juggernaut. Someone had informed Mystique of Juggernaut's infatuation with her and she had made it a point to not only avoid him all night but to display a little more PDA towards Magneto much to Charles' chagrin. Also the fact she felt threatened by Charles' presence made her want to "claim" her man publicly. Every time Charles made an attempt to ask Erik for a private discussion Mystique was there at his side holding his arm and giving Charles an I-dare-you look.

Juggernaut, drunk and jealous as hell, decided that if he was to win Mystique's heart he would have to do it through song. He wheeled in the karaoke machine from the commons room and hooked it up. No one had noticed until the music began to play and Juggernaut began to sing but then everyone stopped what they were doing and watched him start singing to Mystique to the lyrics of "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

Charles could feel Erik's body tense up beside him. Magneto was enraged. Mystique felt Erik's wrath and she calmed him down by stroking his arm and whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

Juggernaut sang at the top of his lungs…very badly. Everyone covered their ears as he continued with his song, never taking his eyes away from Mystique. At the end of his song he actually shed a tear. Mystique stood up and walked over to Juggernaut. Juggernaut had a look of fanatical hope on his dumb face. She took the microphone from his hand, punched a few buttons into the karaoke machine and started to move her blue body to the music.

"Sit down Jugs and I'll show you how to really fuck sing to someone." Mystique had a pretty voice and could carry a tune although she wasn't exactly American Idol material. She was a whole hell of a lot better than Juggernaut. As she sang "Do That to Me One More Time" her focus was on Erik. She danced seductively towards him, his eyes glued to her in astonishment as she practically danced in his lap in front of everyone. Normally Magneto's respectability would never have allowed this to happen but he didn't stop it for three reasons: 1) Erik was arrogant. The fact that Mystique and Charles were fighting over him brought his ego to a new high. 2) Erik loved it when people were jealous of him. Charles, Juggernaut and all the boys were seething with it. 3) Erik had a metal tent in his pants. There was practically no hiding it but Mystique did a good job of shielding it from everyone's view as she danced in front of him.

Once the song ended Mystique gave Erik a smile and handed the microphone off to Rogue who eagerly snatched it from her hand. Magneto watched Mystique head towards the door at the far end of the room towards the main hall. She gave him her "come hither" looks and as soon as he figured no one would see him leave, Magneto followed her.

The Professor obviously saw Erik and Mystique leave and although his heart sank in his chest he had the decency to watch out for all the other mutants in the room. Rogue was singing the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, tears streaming down her face as she drunkenly wailed out the appropriate words. Professor X reminded himself to have a talk with her and the other kids about the hazards of drinking tomorrow when they were all returned to the school. The mutants all clapped for her and she passed the microphone to Storm who began her rendition of "I Don't Care if the Sun Don't Shine" originally sung by Billy Holiday.

Xavier didn't realize it until he felt Scott return to the room that Cyclops had even been gone. There was an odd glow about him. Xavier looked over to Jean. She saw it too, and she did not look happy. Reading his thoughts, Xavier was not too surprised to see Jaime enter the room soon after Scott.

Beast was the next one to show off his vocal talents…and the mutant had crazy great talent. Everyone in the room got to their feet and began dancing to Beasts amazing rendition of "New York." His smooth lounge voice rivaled that of Frank Sinatra's and his stage presence was masterful. Magneto (with hair disheveled and looking mellow) and Mystique happened to come in during his performance and they instantly joined in crooning with the group although they still took their seats next to the Professor. Once the song was over Beast received a standing ovation.

Archlight and Quill decided they wanted to do a duet. As they sang "I Got You Babe" the crowd could tell they were getting just a little too into it. Xavier noted that Kurt and Callisto were no where to be found. On stage Archlight and Quill would sing their parts and stare into each others eyes, making the crowd feel awkward. Obviously it was the alcohol that had rendered these two to fall down to this level as they got closer and closer to each other. Finally, after what felt like an uncomfortable hour, the song ended and Quill and Archlight embraced in a desperate, drunken liplock.

Colossus pulled the two apart and told them to get a room as he took the microphone from their hands and told Bobby, Warren and Pyro to come sing with him. Xavier noticed Kurt and Callisto return to the room. They both looked like they had something to hide but Xavier didn't need to read their minds to know where they had been and what they had been up to. The Professor shook his head reminding himself to give the same alcohol talk to the adults as well as the kids tomorrow.

The boys sang "Bye Bye Bye" by NSync and performed the choreography that went with it a little too well despite their drunkenly staggering movements. They couldn't harmonize as well as the original boy band but they sure looked like one up on stage. Rogue and Kitty giggled and pointed to the boys as they made unlady like remarks. When the song ended the two girls cheered wildly while the adults just clapped in indifference. Wolverine booed them. He hated that song.

Xavier saw Rogue and Bobby leave the room. He figured they would not be able to do anything intimate so he just let them wander off. He watched Jamie get up on stage, make three copies of himself for back up singers and begin singing "Build Me Up, Buttercup" all the while his attention on Scott (who was still wearing Jeans coat even though Jamie had brought his uniform back). Xavier looked over to Jean and noticed she was gritting her teeth in anger.

Jean got up next, telekinetically finding the song she wanted to sing, and "I Will Survive" began blaring over the speakers. What was usually a stellar karaoke song was turned into an uncomfortable moment as Jean practically spat out the words into the microphone and towards Scott. As soon as she was done the crowd was silent. She didn't seem to care. She grabbed Wolverine's arm and dragged him out the door just as Rogue and Bobby were entering. Rogue gave them a funny look as they passed but neither of them seemed to notice as Jean was too focused on her revenge and Wolverine was too focused on the make out time he would finally get with her. Xavier shook his head again. Drama seemed to be running rampant today.

For some reason Kurt sang "What the World Needs Now" and although it was a good Burt Bacharach song it really wasn't suited for Nightcrawler's heavy German accent. Plus he couldn't carry a tune to save his life. Callisto smiled as he sang his heart and his dignity away.

Toad and Sabertooth were up next as they hopped around like crazy rappers singing their rendition of "You've Got to Fight (For Your Right to Party)" by the Beastie Boys. Well, actually Toad hopped around and sang the lyrics while Sabertooth stood in the background making ghetto hand gestures and looking like a rapper wannabe with his hand signs. It was while Xavier tried to drown out the sound of the two mutants that he noticed Logan and Jean come back. Jean gave Scott a glance, making sure he was witness to her revenge and Wolverine was looking like he had just died and gone to heaven. He didn't even bother wiping off the lipstick that was smeared all over his face.

Charles suddenly heard something that caught his attention. He looked over to Colossus, Pyro and Angel talking to Kitty. Rather she was talking and they were all listening to what she had to say. Xavier, who could hear everything they were saying, was livid. Kitty was one of those girls that was a happy drunk. A little too happy if you know what I mean. She made inappropriate comments to all the boys and they listened and made a few back. They obviously thought they were being romantic in a way when they were really just making inebriated lewd comments. Xavier wanted to make sure they knew what happened to sexually promiscuous people. He mentally began to manipulate their fragile, stupid minds. He started them off slow, making the itch light and he tried hard not to laugh as he noticed all four of them start squirming in their seats like they had hemorrhoids. Soon he made it so that the itching in their nether regions was becoming more severe. He smiled as he saw them all cross their legs and their faces turn red in irritation. He put on the hurt by making them feel burning sensations in the worst possible areas. Pyro was the first to jump up in alarm.

"I'm on fire!" He said thinking it was his mutation that was causing the burning. The other three looked at each other, all now realizing they were under the same horrible condition. They looked away in shame as Pyro went to Bobby begging him to follow him to the bathroom and put out the fire. Bobby shook his head in alarm. He really didn't want to do that.

"Charles, really." Xavier heard Erik say next to him, his eye brow raised in question. "Is that really necessary?"

"Erik, if I didn't think it was I wouldn't be doing it." He smiled at him and Erik laughed. "I'm surprised you would not condone an act as devious as this."

"On the contrary, I very much approve of your use of mental punishment for whatever it was you caught them doing." Charles laughed realizing Erik never heard any of the kids' conversation. The two men found themselves very amused by the other. Mystique circled her arm around Erik's a little tighter. Erik brought out a bottle of port and poured all three of them a glass.

"To good teachers like us and to cruel lessons like that!" Erik said raising his glass.

"Hear, hear." Charles said tapping his glass to Erik's.

The karaoke was winding down. After the rap Sabertooth left the stage (and the room with Storm of all people) Toad stayed up to sing "It Ain't Easy Bein' Green." Callisto and Mystique decided to sing "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting" and in good faith they invited the other gals to join them in a moment of camaraderie. After that they all realized that neither the Professor nor Magneto had made fools of themselves up on stage yet. Everyone begged them to at least try to sing. After ten minutes and a full bottle of port they finally gave in just so that they could get everybody's drunk asses off their own intoxicated ones.

Now what would two older men with smooth deep baritones sing? Why Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" of course! But instead they opted to sing "Mack the Knife." Like Beast, the two were quite good at lounge songs. Their presence is always notably strong so it would serve them well when it came time to croon their hearts out. Magneto played Dean Martin to Xavier's Frank Sinatra as they led the X-Men and the Brotherhood in a stunning performance of classic jazz and blues. As Magneto sang his lines he would cross the stage behind Charles gracefully and in a smooth dance move. His cape fluttered cleanly to the tune making it even more a spectacle to the roaring, cheering drunks down below. Even Wolverine and Sabertooth, whose quick healing abilities allowed them to recover from the effects of alcohol were applauding loudly to the song and dance routine though they were completely sober. Charles would sing the chorus then swing his microphone, throw it up into the air towards Magneto who would catch it, throw his back to Charles and he would catch the new one and start with the next line of the song without missing a beat. They performed like the original Rat Pack. No one knew they even had it in them but they were good. Surprisingly good. Like they had done this before…

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The night ended well enough. Wolverine (who was sober) and Beast (who was buzzing but not drunk) helped put the passed out bodies into the X-Jet. Storm was also still cognizant so she could at least fly the X-Jet back to New York with no problems although she seemed a little light headed, not from the alcohol but from the intense make out with the burly feline. All the kids were out like lights and even Nightcrawler, Jean and Scott had too much to drink. Scott stumbled into the X-Jet now wearing his X-Man clothes he had finally retrieved back from Jamie although he had obviously dressed himself. His whitie tighties were on the outside of his leather uniform.

"Charles, despite your original intentions to ruin my fortress, you are welcome to stay the night and leave in the morning when everyone is sober again." Erik said. Mystique was still on his arm but the rest of the Brotherhood was either passed out in the drawing room or had gone to bed.

"Thank you Erik, but we should be going. However, there is something I'd like to discuss with you before I leave." Erik smiled.

"Come to my office and we'll discuss it there."

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**Warning! This is the cheesiest part and the corniest drama I've ever written! But I'll still stand by it and I'm not ashamed. Continue reading only if you are a hardcore Magneto fan and only if you want to find out why Xavier invaded the Brotherhood's fortress.**

They walked the short distance to Magneto's metallic office. Magneto asked Mystique to wait for him in their bedroom. Reluctantly Mystique let go of Magneto's arm but not without a squeeze of his hand and a look towards Xavier filled with distrust. _He's mine now. Erik has belonged to me for five years and you can't take that away from me_. He gave no indication that he heard her thoughts, but she knew. He had heard.

As soon as she was gone Magneto sat behind his desk facing his old friend, a warm smile on his face. They were both returning to their sober states. They still felt a little buzzed from the alcohol a few hours earlier but for the most part they were at that condition where if they had been asked again, they would have never gotten up on the karaoke stage. From his position in his chair he floated a glass bottle lined with metal from the wet bar across the room on his right towards himself. He held up the container of a one hundred and fifty dollar bottle of old Johnnie Walker Blue Label scotch with an eyebrow raised questioningly.

"Would you like a drink, Charles?"

"Is it as cheap as your wine?" Erik gave him an amused look.

"You know I would never personally offer you anything less than exceptional."

"Thank you, Erik, but no. I won't be staying long."

"Well, then I hope you don't mind if I help myself." Erik said pouring himself only a third of a rocks glass full. He took a swig then noticed Charles giving him a very thoughtful glare. He returned a questioning one. Whatever was on Charles' mind, he wasn't about to volunteer its contents. Once again Magneto wished he had Charles' power.

"It's really not as spectacular as you seem to think it is." Charles said reading his mind.

"Still, at least I wouldn't feel quite so at a loss sometimes. It would have come in handy this afternoon."

"Ah, yes, when Mystique forced Rogue to divulge one of your more personal bedroom secrets. Admittedly it was both your greatest sexual talent and your most aggravating."

"Aggravating? As I recall, you've never cited anything but positive remarks for my abilities."

"Why can't you accept that when one is not in the mood, one is NOT in the mood. Causing an overwhelming desire for you is hardly what I would call moral decency, an act of which you undoubtedly do to Mystique." Erik only smiled broadly, never bothering to hide his guilt of manipulating his current partner's sexual drive.

"She doesn't seem to mind."

"Well, the only thing she minds is me being here."

"Mystique can be a little jealous sometimes. For some reason she thinks you're here to take me away." Erik laughed. "But I told her it was all in her head."

"Is it?" Charles asked. Erik stopped laughing. He took a good hard look at him then cut to the quick.

"Charles, why did you invade my fortress?"

"Perhaps it would be wiser to ask yourself wh-"

"Spare me the philosophy, Charles. Why are you here?"

"I want you back, Erik." Erik felt a lump in his throat. He stared hard at his old friend, trying to figure out if he was serious and trying to understand where this was coming from. "I assure you I am quite serious and it all stems from our time together while you were in prison." Sometimes Erik was glad Charles was a telepath just so he could use as few words as possible. Sometimes he hated that he couldn't hide anything from him. He was aware that Charles knew what he was feeling right now and he hated how that made him vulnerable.

"You know that's impossible, Charles."

"Implausible, yes. Impossible, no." Erik gave him a stern look.

"I broke out of prison over a year ago. Why come to me now?" Charles shrugged his shoulders.

"Perhaps it's the fact that every time I hear your name my heart beats ten times faster. Or when I see Mystique impersonating Senator Kelly on television I am consumed with jealousy. I know we connected again during your time in prison, Erik. I felt it."

"Charles, I was lonely in that prison and I had no idea if Mystique was even alive."

"But still, we connected tonight. Remember how we used to go to the karaoke bar and sing "Mack the Knife" in that little pub off Baker's Street in London? That didn't bring you back to the good times?"

"Charles, that was a long time ago." Erik sighed. "We've grown apart since then."

"Yes, Erik, I realize we've grown apart but I refuse to believe we've ever fallen out of love." Erik had nothing to say to him. They hadn't been together in over fifteen years but Erik was sure that despite their rivalry his love for Charles had never really faltered. Erik was at a loss. He couldn't believe he was even considering it. "I know I'm still in love with you and I know you still love me. For god's sakes Erik, Mystique pretended to be me for you. That doesn't mean anything to you?" There was a pause as Erik tried to sort out his conflicting thoughts. Charles continued. "I promise you Erik, that I will always stand by your side." He pleaded. "We may not always see eye to eye but we've lived long enough that we can pass our leaderships to our followers and live out our lives together without the responsibilities of our positions."

"Charles, I can't believe you're saying this."

"Neither can I Erik, but one day about a month ago I woke up and realized that there was nothing else I wanted in the world than to be back with you. I'd sacrifice everything for that." Erik swallowed hard. There was a long, long pause as he contemplated what this meant. As Charles waited for him to make up his mind Erik finally understood what it was to make a life changing decision. Should he also make that sacrifice? The cause was his life, but lately he had been wondering if he should turn the Brotherhood over to someone else. Sometimes he didn't want his life to only be about terrorizing the humans. He didn't like that he was always being watched by the government or that he was told he was wrong all the time when he was certain he was right. He was tired of the arguing and the fighting and the losing to his former best friend all of the time. Ever since Charles had graced him with his company in prison Erik would find himself realizing he missed Charles very much. Erik didn't know what to do. For a long time, the only sound in the office was the clicks of the steel balls of the Newton's Cradle. The two men stared at each other, contemplating in silence.

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Erik came walking into the bedroom half an hour after she left him with Xavier. She was sitting upright on the king sized four post bed against the lavish pillows, her knees bent up and her magazine laid across her legs. She never gave him a glance but silently read, or rather pretended to read. She hadn't read a word since she opened the publication half an hour ago. He went about his nightly routine, disappearing into the bathroom to brush his teeth and emerging from his closet wearing his dark red pajamas. He hopped onto the bed next to her and watched her as she idly turned the pages of the magazine she wasn't reading.

"I'll admit Mystique that my mind has only taken to imagining the display you presented earlier this afternoon in the arena." He grinned broadly hoping she would swell her breasts to three times their size again. Instead she said nothing, only turned the page of the magazine, pretending not to have heard him. Erik could tell she was mad but he didn't feel like playing mind games. "Fine. Good night, Mystique." He said rolling over to face the other way.

"Do you still love him?" She finally spoke. He could tell she was straining to make her voice sound indifferent but she was definitely mad. He turned to face her again. There was a long pause before he answered.

"Yes." He said quietly. The air was filled with silence as she soaked in his honesty.

"So that Rogue girl was telling the truth." He looked down guiltily. "Are you taking him back then?"

"No." He said quite simply.

"No? He didn't ask?" She stressed her pronoun heavily. Erik paused before answering.

"Yes. He did." His tone reminded her of how he spoke to Rogue that night on the boat towards Liberty Island. Low and with hesitation.

"But you couldn't leave your Brotherhood…" She stated, her words coming out less audibly till she whispered the last few through pained speech. Erik sighed and sat up next to her.

"No, Mystique, it's not like that…"

"Then what is it Erik? Are you saying you love him more than you love us? What am I missing?"

"I love Charles more than I love my life with the Brotherhood, yes, it's true. I would have left the Brotherhood for him." Mystique was stunned. Rarely had she ever been caught so emotionally off guard and this reminded her why she refused to fall in love for the longest time, but it was too late to think about that now. She was in love with Erik and there was nothing she could do to reverse that. She bit back tears that she couldn't remember ever having shed before. This new low was not what Mystique was used to experiencing and she hated it. To think she had fought for his honor that afternoon.

"I see." Was all she said. "Then why are you still here?" He looked surprised that she would ask.

"Well, because of you, of course."

"Erik don't get sappy on me. It's not like either of us."

"I know but you obviously don't seem to understand how much I love you, Mystique." This was new too. Erik was not one to openly tell her he loved her. He had done it before in moments of desperation, like that time she threatened to leave him if he didn't come home from time to time, always too busy with mutant affairs to spend time with her, but this time he was in no way desperate to keep her. In fact, it was the other way around.

"How would I know that, Erik? You don't tell me."

"I have before. And you knew I was sincere about it because you forced me to put my pride aside." She didn't say anything to that. He took her hands in his and made her look him in the eye.

"I'm going to have to do something I've never done before, but you've forced me to get sentimental on you, which I know you don't like over-emotional situations." He made sure she was listening then he continued. "The reason I didn't take Charles back is because I'm in love with you, Mystique." She stared intensely at him, and realized he was telling the truth. "You got it?" He asked with an authoritative tone, never one to drop his superior airs. He was practically commanding that she understand and trust him on that, which made it easier for her to do so. She nodded her head.

"Yes, Erik."

"Good," He said letting her hands go, looking slightly perturbed that she had put him in that sappy circumstance. "Never question me about it again then." He added as he lay down on the bed and rolled the other way so she couldn't see his face anymore. Secretly, Mystique was more elated than she had ever felt before. The fact he was willing to stoop to that dramatic level meant a lot to her. A lot. It was reasons like this that she reminded herself that she was glad she had finally decided to let down her guard after all those years to fall in love with him.

He lay in silence, trying to go to sleep. It had been a long day, when he felt her hands lightly stroking his hair, her fingers gliding over his scalp.

"Erik?" He heard her say over his shoulder.

"Hmm?" His voice was muffled from the pillow.

"Do these seem different to you?" Confused he turned to face her and saw that she was behind him on her knees, giving him a mischievous look and holding her breasts in her hands as though she were offering them to him. He smiled wickedly at the size she had made them.

"I'm not sure." He replied turning around to face her. "I need a closer look."

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In the end it seems the X-Men's attack on the Brotherhood was all in vain. They won the least battles, Charles didn't get his man and a few relationship integrities are suddenly questioned. Still, good times were had by all and none of the X-Men or even the members of the Brotherhood would soon forget that one day at Magneto's.

FINI

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**Author's Note**: All right, so I hope that didn't give anyone diabetes. That was a little too sugary especially for me but, whatever, it's written down and there's nothing I can do to change that. Well, there is but I refuse.

And now to reward all those who made me happy by reviewing...

**lovestoread **- I'm glad you liked that fight between Rogue and Mystique! It was so damned hard to write!

**Funkyfries** - Hope you made a lot of fat cash betting on Mystique. I'm sorry I don't update sooner, but I'm very busy...and lazy.

**Shy FX** - I'm glad you're enjoying my story! I went to an all girls high school too. I pretty much wrote what I remembered.

**The 42** - I so should have used the name Misty! Dammit, oh well, too late now. How's your story coming along? How's the ankle? Also the pic of Pyro and Bobby will show up on Rogue's myspace page. I had no where to state that in this story.

**Yarrharr **- A fellow Monty Python fan! You're in my good book.

**XChocolateChipX** - I guess I should put a caution on my story. Caution: Do not read if you are drinking juice or eating pasta. Lol, I'm glad you are enjoying my story!

**AngelofSnow** - Thanks for reviewing! Of course this fic would not be as funny without your input. I'm trying to put as many good one liners in this fic as you have in yours. Strange how you picked out all the lines that I was most proud of...great minds think alike. You're awesome!


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